you're a mystery yourself

Sunday, October 30, 2005

12:12 AM

I got panicky today.

I was running thru and fro like a mad woman trying to either get a cab or reach PS within 5 mins time coz my dad was waiting for me. In e end, i managed to solve it. Even tho i have to face consequences later on. And i had to thank deedee, coz she was there running beside me and i appreciate it dear.

Our lives are full of "If only". If only i were smarter. If only i were better. If only i were 5 mins earlier. If only i didnt lie. If only i didnt make you angry. If only etc. Hope you get what i'm trying to say. But i've learnt that there's no If only in my life, i'm contented with just the way my life is, with or without shits in it. Coz i've learnt from my mistakes. I'm sorry i made you do something which you swore you wont do it anymore. Frankly speaking, my heart was so disappointed that i thought i would collapse from sheer agony. I thought my life would just crumble at the spot, the moment your hand came into contact with my face. But i didnt mean it when i say i hate you. And i do love you. I love you for who you are, for the person you made me become. I love you like hell bugger.

"Well if you wanted honesty, that's all you have to say. I never want to let you down or have you go, its better this way."

&the beauty.

11:32 PM

I dont seem to have enough sleep nowadays. Whenever i was doing my exam in that cold sports hall, i would fall asleep while shading my answer. Seriously. I would spent an hour shading my answers, since in between i would catch snippets of Zzz. That shows how much i needed my 12hrs of beauty sleep.

I went out with Edd after my exam. Supposed to buka with her and her ex poly mates. We went to eat at Magic Wok at city hall. Ohmygod. There were a lot of dishes that i'm full till now. While waiting for the food, i heard the song "my immortal" and i froze. I know Edd did too. And we looked at each other and smiled. Bittersweet smile. It brought back memories of me and her. but it was all in the past. So yeah, no point mentioning it. I would like to say a big thank you to Edd who paid for my necessities and layan my lameness. Haha. And also to Deedee who's very understanding to let me go out with my ex. [I'm forced to say this.] Just kidding hunz but yeah, thanks for trusting me. Love you la bugger.

Oh shit. I have to start studying for tmr last paper. Cant wait to finish the whole thing. Cant wait for November to end and for December to come rolling in. Woohoo.
Till den.

&the beauty.

12:13 AM

For the billionth time, I wonder why are you with me and each time i look back, i'm amazed that we are together. I'm contented jus by being with you. Words cant describe how much i love u.

I love deedee. That aint a lie.

&the beauty.

9:18 PM

The night before yesterday was full of drama.

Yesterday was jus oozing with sweetness. Till the night spoil it all.

She picked me up from school. I met her at the mrt, me being a bit late [my ezlink stuck. Again.]. She hands me three Red Roses. And I just melt into her arms. At that moment, I wish that time would just stand still and let me be in her arms forever. We went back to her place, ate a few cup noodles. No wonder my hair's like this. Ergh.

It was her bright idea to play monopoly. I just went along with it at first, but got engrossed in it later on. 15 mins later, i'm trying desperately not to smack her on her forehead. I felt as though my ear could bleed from hearing her whine, begging me not to buy the railroad. Another 5 mins, she's whining that i'm having too much properties and that she not being able to pay. I was on the verge of giving her all my properties and declare bankrupt, just to shut her up. Hee. But i didnt.I'm not boasting here but i do have to say that i AM the Queen of monopoly. I love investments and i oh so love money too. So it didnt came as a suprise to me that i won but she just cant believe it since she not used to losing in Monopoly. The game of Monopoly had made us show our true colours and baby, welcome to the club of whiners.

That game truly drained my energy even though it was less than an hour. I ended up falling asleep. I was just so tired. And when i woke up, she was curled up beside me, hugging my back. The first groggy thought that came to my mind was, "When the hell you get here?" Later on, i just appreciated the feeling of closeness and those butterflies thingy in my stomach.

At night, we met remy and nad and kak in. Went to Cm. Regulars. Uhuh. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is a different story altogether. =D

"Here i go scream my lungs out, trying to get to you. You're my only one I let go. There's jus no one that gets me like you do. You are my only, only one."

&the beauty.

9:19 PM

"I love you." Those are the words i said to her.

"We'll be happily living together in the future." That was wad she promised me.

But all this went down the drain.

I hate being threatened. Especially being threatened about my love ones. Family and friends mean a lot to me. Coz they were there for me always. And never let me down. They pick me up when i fall. Cover up my shits when i messed up. And basically for just loving me no matter how bad i am. Family and friends were there for me even before you entered in my life.

But yet you managed to destroy everything for me.
Thanks. This is a lesson which i'll never forget.

&the beauty.

2:22 PM

Its raining so heavily here. I'm cooped up in my new-but-cramped room, in the dark. Thunder and lightning are flashing once in a while, scaring the shit out of me. I cant even see the trees or the block of flats facing my window. Dats how bad the rain is.

I'm feeling as though the darkness is freaking trying to smother me to death. Ergh. Oh how i hate myself rite now. Seriously, financial problems are burdens. You wont be able to rest in peace until all your debts have been solved. Obviously, mine are still hanging that's why i'm in this freaking situation.

"Sorry, i guess i've expected too much from you." Those are the words that came out of your mouth. Maybe you do expect too much from me. I tried giving you everything i could. I tried my best trying to cope with everything that was thrown at me. And yet, it still wasnt enough for you. I'm at my wits end. I couldnt think of anything else. Dont know what else to do. You taught me lessons. Ways how to comfort you, rules on how not to make you angry etc. I bite my tongue every single time we fight, hoping that anger wont take over me, hoping that i wouldnt say anything wrong to provoke you. And yet you say i didnt make any effort to learn or to change. That I didnt treat you good. I threw my ego away for you. My dignity in shreds every single time you scold me. I couldnt even say anything to defend myself, coz in the end i'm still going to be the one at fault. I feel so small, like i'm jus nothing but a piece of vermin that you step on. My heart hurt so badly. It has been scarred and not even you could heal the wound. And yet you wouldnt let me leave. But you keep saying that i'm the one hurting you. I love you too much, that's why i'm doing whatever i can to salvage our r/s and yet you think its not enough. Sometimes i wish you would let me leave. I would rather leave in dignity instead of having my dignity shred into pieces.

There's a fine line between love and hate.

&the beauty.

12:33 PM

I feel so down.
So useless.
I couldnt make u happy.
I couldnt comfort u.
The words dat i say are all wrong.

As though i'm just a raggedy doll dat ought to be brought down whenever u feel like it.

&the beauty.

8:40 PM

Its the end of the semester. Its long but yet short at e same time. I'm jus waiting. Jus waiting to finish downloading some online games. Its all Nad's fault. She made me get addicted to online games like super mario etc. I know i should be studying or even cleaning up my room, but here i am, playing online games.

Shaf!! Please go and study!! Your exam in two days!!

hmm. Later la.

&the beauty.

8:39 PM

I woke up dis morning feeling like shit. My head was pounding, my eyes are swollen and i felt so nauseated and weak. I ended up puking 5 times [and no i'm not exaggerating], felt as though i was trying to puke my whole stomach out. I was in absolute pain. The whole day was spent dozing in and out of sleep and oh yeah, puking my guts out in btwn. Oh how i hate hangovers.

It was a night of all drama.

Yest mornin was okay, went over her place n spend time wif her. Had a slight fall, literally, over some bushes and managed to scrape my knee and tore my jeans. Uhuh. Shaf has two left feet remember. Anyway, met up wif Nad n remy at cthall around 6 plus. We had plans to go somewhere and for once, it wasnt last minute. At first everything was great. The drinks were great, the company were great, the ambience was great but the next moment, everything turn dramatic. Very dramatic. You have to be there urself to feel the tension. I shall not elaborate further.

There was bound to be a fight if we didnt stop each other. Overall, it was a drama mama thing.

You didnt want to let me go. Even if i wanted to let go, you would make things so hard for me dat i dun have a choice but to be wif u. But u know wad, i dun ever wan to let go of u so dun let go.

&the beauty.

8:29 PM

i'm proud of myself.
Everybody thought i couldnt make it,
and they even had me believed dat i couldnt make it.
But in e end, i proved myself.
They cant bring me down
with their jeers, insults etc.
Coz i know i am stronger den dat.
I wont be complacent.
And i'll try to achieve my best
and prove to people dat,
i.can.so.make.it.

&the beauty.

7:50 PM

Tuesday.

It was a day of all evil. That i jus had to blog about it.

Started off the day by fetching nad from her home. We were supposed to go school together but we were so late, as usual, that we decided to jus forget about school, as usual. We ended up buying rokz from 'makcik petai & co'. Ad, when u gonna sponsor me?! From there we went to dee's hse. 15 mins later, [after me n nad snuggled together on e couch watchin movie], remy arrived at dee's hse without us knowing since dee n remy had planned it. Freaks. hehe. Nad was suprised like hell.

Went to far east to break fast together actually and also to meet up with zikky. Later on, liza, afiq, liza's bro came along. So altogether it was 8 of us and in the end, it was known that everybody didnt fast. So being the satanic people we are, we went to eat at CAhaya [can u believe it] before the breaking fast time. Everybody was staring at us and we did get squirmy and embarassed being stared at. After dat eventful thingy, we slacked at bk liat towers playing cards and jus talking. The people present were me, dee, remy, nad, liza n afiq.

Liza:"hmm, i feel like going clubbing"

Few seconds after those words were uttered, everybody started speaking at the same time. Tables were almost overturned.[exaggerated] Cards were scattered about. People were vying for attention. See, how those six words could have an effect on us. Afiq, the most innocent one, was still holding on to the cards and trying to play the game while the rest jus threw the cards about, couldn't concentrate. It was almost comical, how kecoh-rable our table could be. And in 5 mins time, everything was planned. We were going to phunk bar. Money and transport was no problem. And everybody was raring to go except for afiq, who's still holding on to the cards. Haha.

We arrived at phunk bar, and J, Remy's fren followed too. Couldnt believe my ears when J bought drinks for us and we didnt had to pay a single cent. Everybody was in a good mood. We played pool, games, boogey everywhere, drink like a fish and overall had fun. The three of us, me-liza-nad, were there and it felt like old times. Woohoo.

Me, nad and afiq shared a cab home while e rest took another cab. East versus West. It has been proven that whoever sit beside me in cab will vomit. Well afiq, sorry u had to be e one. AT least i gave u e plastic bag n rub ur back. =P

Oh man. I jus love her so much. Jus love spending time with her. Love the way she dances. Love the way she could get along with everybody. Everbody say she dances very well. -rollz eyes- while i dance like a cowboy. Haha. Jus loving her for being mine.

Like afiq said, "we did all kinds of evil dat nite, jus not to the extent of murdering someone."

Loving every single minute of it.

&the beauty.

11:01 AM

Yesterday was jus perfect.
Being with her was jus perfect.

I went over her house after my test and we ended up watching movie after movie. I know it seems boring to you guys but it was jus perfect to me. Finally we managed to watch Drumline finish, it was fascinating. Cant believe we go to all dat trouble to watch 5 mins of the ending. HAha. Next, we watched the pacifier on her laptop, jus e two of us, cuddlin up together in bed. And yeah, i'm e one who fell asleep. When i woke up, the sis n her commented how i look like their maid. Uhuh. I get those comments all the time.

Okla gtg school now. Meeting lil bitch, remy n her later. Love u la bugger.

&the beauty.

11:41 PM

The few things i love abt her.

How u would always get irritated by my stupid question.
How u rolled ur eyes when i didnt get it dat u were being sarcastic.
E way ur big eyes become so expressionable.
E way u could jus make me smile by winking at me.
E way u make me feel protected.
How u catch me when i'm fallin down, even tho in e first place u were trying to trip me.
How u wanted to throw me ard like a bean bag.
And oh yeah, the thing u have wif e plastic bags, dats jus so cute. Aww.

Love u la bugger.

&the beauty.

11:11 PM

my girlfriend.

Dats wad i should be writing about. I'm rackin my brains thinking abt wad to say abt her. Its not dat i dun have anything to say but i guess there's too much info abt her in my brain and i jus dunno where to start. Am i suppose to start from e first day dat i met her or fall in love wif her or e first time dat i heard abt her? Hmm. Confusion confusion.

When i first heard abt her n saw her pic, all my mind could think of was, "oh another cute butch. Must be a heartbreaker." i didnt even bother taking a second glance. Neither was i bothered to make frens wif her. To me, she was jus a passerby in my life. Den a year later, it all seems to happen in a blink of eye, i was already frens wif her and even e same skool n we're together. It came as a shock. Almost as tho its too good to be true.

I admit she does change my perception of her. As time passes by, she proves to be a different kind of person den wad other people say abt her. BEing wif her seems like an adventure. And she does have a big impact in my life, she already changed my preferences of music, e type of clothes i wear and even e way i speak. The people ard me should know. Its not dat i wan to copy her but jus dat she influences me. I love every single minute wif her. We could be talking abt anything. It could even be educational. Er, Uhuh.

Anyway, my point is having a girlfriend like her does have its merits. She taught me a lot. Lessons which are hard to learn but have to be learnt. And my love for her jus keeps growing.
And i need her to be by my side.

She said something yest which almost made me cry, "In a few years time, i wan to be watching tv with remy, with our gfs in our arms, in our house." Dang, dats jus too emotional for me. [u guys may not understand]

&the beauty.

10:40 PM

I'm disgusted with myself.
Disgusted that i'm jus a bunch of lies.
I have dis tendency to lie.
Lie to e ppl who i love most.
I dunno wads wrong wif me.

Do you know?

&the beauty.

10:44 PM

Oh i'm so missing her.
She's outside on her way home.
Jus feel like hugging her.
Dear, when u gonna propose to me?
When u gonna move out wif me?

If i cant, if i cant have you,
Baby, i would rather have no one else.
If i cant, if i cant have you,
Baby, i would rather be by myself.

&the beauty.

10:04 PM

oh shit. She and remy gonna be good frens??!

&the beauty.

10:04 PM

Her and her plastics.

I shall dedicate dis entry to her. She is such a neat freak and i'm seriously amazed. Looking at her, you wouldnt believe dat she have dis thing in her dat makes her such an organized person. She have a thing wif plastic bags. Uhuh. I still remember when we went er, camping together, she brought clothes that are ironed, folded and put inside those kind of ziplock bags. And she managed to organize those ziplock bags in such that one is for undergarments, e other one for toiletries, or for clothes to go club etc. And she even brought plastic bags for me. When she produced all those plastic bags, i jus looked down into my bag, and felt so ashamed of myself. All my clothes were everywhere in my bag, i dun think i even brought a toothbrush. Cant believe she's such a neat freak. But baby, i'll still love you.

p.S: After reading dis, She'll probably hack me into pieces, throw me into a plastic bag and stashed my body parts around orchard.

&the beauty.

9:30 PM

I jus cant get enough of her.

Yesterday, i didnt go to school coz too lazy to go. So in e end, i ended up at her place, jus slackin ard n watching drumline. I was already so engrossed in e movie yet i was denied the right to watch the ending due to some stupid player spoilt. Or was it e cd itself? Wateverr.. hehe.

We made plans to meet NAd, remy, havoc & gf for buka. They wanted to eat at Longjohn but me n her opted out due to our undying loyalty to Mos burger. After finish, we sat outside p.S to jus smoke n talk. Me n her were discussing abt the finer points of debate when e rest of them catch up wif us. Nobody could decide where to go next. So me n nad were bitching abt dunno wad, Nad wif her hand gestures n me wif being so restless. The three butches were jus lookin at us n laughing. Wad? are we some kind of entertainment now??! But i did have an ambition of wantin to be a comedian. *ponders* In e end, it was decided dat havoc n gf go home, while e rest of us went to CM. Oh sheesh, i'm so proud of myself. I didnt drink!! Whee. All thanks to her encouragement. And i got to dance wif her, Nad n even remy. It was a great night. Even tho we had to go home early.

LEts do it again. *thinks hard* Maybe next sat. -grinz-

&the beauty.

1:45 AM

Pyschotic moments.

Went to fetch pampered-lilbitch-who-jus-labelled-me-minah from her bus stop den we went to dis lorong to buy rokz. Illegal ones. It wasnt my idea.Nad, being the dumbest one [hehe], was talking in a VEry loud voice asking who sellin the illegal rokz. i was jus slappin my forehead at how ridiculous she could be. Haha. ANyway, e whole thing was done so discreetly but it was so freakin suspicious. My eyes were darting around trying to catch cops spying at us from behind the walls. Of course, i was jus being too paranoid. At school, there was dis commotion abt the project thingy, i was convinced that that @#@$ was going to strike off our names from the project since we didnt actually contribute anything to the project. But again, i was paranoid.

Had some prob wif her jus now. Abt inferiority complex. Hah. Its something which is not easily explain or easily comprehended. My mind is slow in processing abt why actually i'm feelin dis way. But then, my mind is always slow. [But nad still e dumbest] And like i said, when i do find the reason, i would tell you myself. It takes time but i hope you would understand. I'm jus being oversensitive, I know dat. But i am a girl. ANd girls are sensitive. -sniffs-

She suprised me jus now by meeting me during my break. She even managed to give me a back rub. Even tho it was only for 5 mins, i appreciate it darlz. U're jus too good to be true. =D

I did smtg at work jus now. Being the oh so clumsy one, i accidentally drop the container holding the chilli and it went flying, and managed to taint 5 ppl. I was jus frozen there. OHmygod. I went around apologising. My face was beet red. Beads of perspiration appeared. But they managed to forgive me. An hour later, i slipped and fell down on my knees, broke a glass. Uhuh.

No wonder my mom say i have two left feets.

&the beauty.

5:34 PM

oh god. Nad is such a bimbo sey. With her face frownin, and she's whining while trying to wipe her nose on my sleeve. And now she's crying coz i dun wan to see her hand being peeled. And she accused me of hurting her, saying dat a dot of scarrin on her hand is almost the same as pressure ulcers. Exaggerating. Uhhuh. Liza relek je beside me, too busy counting nad's rokz. Different people, different style.

i got the result for my bio pract test. It was better den i expected. Of coz ppl ard me was wondering how e heck i managed to do it since i've always been absent from school. I didnt even bothered to attend e lectures, practs n tutorials. Finally i managed to prove to ppl dat i can cope. Even tho i'm busy wif work, social life etc, i still can cope wif my studies. I hope my other results will be okay too. Thanks to her for motivatin me to study. Thanks to my bitches for studyin wif me. Wokay, now it sounds like as tho i won some grand prize. HAha.

&the beauty.

2:27 PM

i'm stuck in e comp lab. I should be helping out with the project but hell yeah, i'm tired okay. My arse feels so cramp and i've been wondering since jus now what have i done to feel so cramp. So in e end, liza provide for me e answer.

liza: "coz we had our cpr test yest la dong"
Me: "Ouh. No wonder" -massagin my butt-

So now, everyone's body feels so cramp. It could be e hips, butt etc. Watever shaf.
I was looking forward to break fast at hm today n i'm so devastated when i found out i got nite class. Haiz. Tempted to jus go home. Maybe i will. -evil grinz-

&the beauty.

11:34 AM

What do you do when someone who you love have feelings for someone else?
Would you feel jealous knowing that?
Would you give up on the competition?
Or would you make sure that she wont leave you?
Or would you leave her thinking that she'll be happy with the other party?
And when she tell you abt e other party, would you be understanding enough to feel happy for her?
Would your heart not break when she describes e moments she had with the other party?
Knowing you yourself wanted that moments.

I've gone thru all that. I dont wish to go thru it again.

&the beauty.

12:23 AM

Oh finally. Its over. It has been done. I'm thru wif it. What i'm trying to say is dat i've finally gotten my bcls tests over and done wif. Finito. The moment i step into e waiting area, my knees went all jittery n butterflies were literally zoomin in my stomach. All i could think was dat i couldn't go on wif the test. Me n nad were even thinking of bolting out of e room before they could call our names. But alas, i dunno why e heck am i e first one being called when actually i should be e last 3 being tested. But.... in e end, i managed to pass every single thing. Haha. Woohoo.

Went to play pool wif her jus now. And yeah, its been a long time since i met her n missed her freakin much. Went to town after dat and woah, its like a food galore. Its always like dat when i went town wif her. Some more all e food are fRee. May i repeat, its fREe. Both of us were tired so we went to sit at OJ liat towers. Her frens were working there. So we got hotdogs, 2 pure choc drinks. All for free. Den later An came down n sat wif us. We jus talked n merepek together, and i got fRee choc cake from An. Not to mention we got fRee 5 small cups of starbux coffee. So yeah, it was a freeloadin moment. If there is such a word.

Cant wait to go towning again. Hee.

&the beauty.

10:25 PM

Boredom.
Its killing me.
Its making me restless.
Its making me feel smelly.
Its making me feel ergh.

gotta.do.smtg.Now.

Wokay, i've jus went thru my past entries and i was shocked to discover that i've been writing kinda immatured, crappy n lame entries. I guess my style of writing differs as i grow up. Uh huh. And of course e contents dat i wrote about are all so different. Reading thru those entries made me reminiscise abt wad happened last time. E memories came flooding back n i got sentimental. Oh yeah, i'm e oh-so-sensitive one. Really. For real.

"I look at you looking at me.
Now i know why they say
the best things are free.
Gonna love you boy,
You are so fine.
Angel of mine.
How you change my world,
you'll never know.
I'm different now,
you help me grow."

&the beauty.

1:14 PM

It was a case of total bitchiness yest nite. I had a group meetin at school wif them den after dat went to break fast wif nad, suraidah n bambang at amk. It was a bitchified affair. Talks about lesbians, guys, fat girls, hot chicks, ciggies, drink n of course, euthanasia. Haha. E rest of the night spend with e lil bitch.Thanks for e great time girl, even tho halfway thru, our gfs are threatening to beat us up. Nad, jus show dem ur muscles. I'll show dem my fats la.Cant believe our gfs are like msging each other. Its a jaw droppin thingy.

Its already becoming a trend for people to be disappointed in me. SOmetimes i'm not even sure wad mistake i made till they had to be so disappointed in me. I should be disappointed with myself too i guess.

&the beauty.

12:33 PM

Somehow i dun feel good.
I know u trust me n all dat.
BUt as tho u dun care dat ppl wan to get to know me.
It may mean nothing but its jus dat u dun have any reactions.
U could still encourage me to make dem like me.
Dis makes me feel as though watever shit i do, i could get away wif it.
Coz it doesnt have an impact on u.
I dun ever wan ur feelings for me to change.

&the beauty.

10:45 PM

Woohoo! Finally i got my assessment skills over and done with. I feel as though a massive burden has just been lifted from my shoulders and i'm so relieved. Feels as though i should be out celebrating but yeah, the worst not yet over. Still have some more exams, debates, tests etc coming out.

Yest I came to school just to bitch with nad. ohmygod. we're such bitchin buggers. e group meeting was cancelled so we ended up at amk coffeeshop to jus talk, eat etc. There was jus too little time, n too many things to say. Later on, went over dee's house to jus lepak. E sister so shweet! E sis made baked rice for me n i was so touched. Haha. Me n her went to city hall, i had a minor heart attack when i realise my hp couldn't sms or call out. Its all the bill's fault. For being so freakin expensive. E bill from last month just keep on accumulatin wif this month's bill. Somebody save me. Thanks to her, i found my transparency n managed to do my project.

I still cant believe dat i went to cb last nite during dis month. Met up wif sha n vic. I've taken over nad's role and i jus cant stop whining n wanting to dance but no one bothered to layan me. You buggers you. It was all so tempting. Oh freak. So disappointed with myself last night. But only for awhile. :] whoopies. cant wait to go out wif the bitchin bugger tmr.

-smartie out-

&the beauty.

8:44 PM

Yest was hell.

Bruises. Cuts. Scrapes.
Tears. Shoutin. Cries.
Pain. Heartbroken.

i've started wearing eyeliner all dat kind of girlish makeup thingy.
She said i look nice etc.
Den someone came up to me and asked whether i'm into gothic.
Dat really cracks me up. Haha.
And no, i'm not into gothic. Its jus the eyeliner.

Went to sim lim centre wif nad. To buy a gift for remy.
Before dat, we ate at bugis.
Nad cant tahan fasting!! I was having e girl thang.
We're so bad ppl.
Dats undeniable.

Hey honey, happy 3 months anni. I miss you.

&the beauty.

12:04 AM

Shitoz. What a day.

I was late in meeting Nad at school so i had to take a cab. Of course i couldn't make her wait since i was the one who forced her to come to school to teach me. Thanks babe for trying to cramp last minute mugging into my head before i go to my much dreaded assessment skills. Oh yeah, and also for the last minute bitching. Oh wad bimbos we are. Hee.

I messed up. I failed. Both my IV and injections. All due to lack of confidence and of course lack of knowledge. I kept fumbling with the needles and my hand literally shook while administering the injection. If i had to do it on a real patient, i guess the patient would have already injected himself since i was too hesitant. I thought i could do it, i knew i could do it but yeah, i messed up. I can still laugh it off with the lecturer in the end. Well, my retest on friday so wish me luck. No point in crying over spilled milk rite.

Speaking of milk, i've been gulping down 4 glasses of milk within an hour. I just find milk very refreshing and tasty nowadays. Just the thought of cold milk sliding down my throat makes me salivate. Okay shaf, stop it. Just cant stop drinking it. And thinking of it.

Gotta go take some more milk.

&the beauty.

10:01 PM

Yay. She's finally at home. Cant wait to meet her tmr and hug her. Jus feel as if the last time i met her was eons ago but of course, i'm exaggerating. Like usual.

i've realised some stuff and that i, nurulshafilah, am changing. I'm not sure whether its for the better or for the worse but you decide for yourself. It seems as though my preferences have all been reorganised by who else but dee.

The songs that i listen to now are not the usual ones that i would have listened to a few months back. The clothes i wore last time are so pinkish and girlish with those type of minah shoes but now, its all green and brown for me, with normal shoes.I even wore socks now! ohmygod. The last time i wore socks was 3 yrs back when i was in sec school. Her shampoo and face powder are now my favourite brand. I've even started taking her stuffs as though its mine for eg. her shirts. her lanyard. her socks. her singlets. But there's a limit to sharing undergarments. And she shopped for my clothes and stuffs. i've even contemplated to take her guitar but of course, she wouldnt let me. -pouts-
I'm already starting to hear comments like "Shaf, you're so dee-ish" or it would be, "Is that dee's shirt" when its actually really mine. Dee darling, i'm becoming your protege.

So yeah, the conclusion is i'm changing. Uh huh.

&the beauty.

11:00 PM

Ouh. Finally changed my whole layout. I should be studyin but i ended up sleeping like a pig jus now. And when i woke up, i jus felt like baking brownies and i did. In e end, studies are all forgotten as i watched tv n eat brownies n surf net. Basically i did every single thing except study.

"Its okay to be angry and never let go
It only gets harder the more that you know
When you get lonely and no one's around
You know that i'll catch you when you're fallin down
We came together but you left alone
And i know how it feels to walk out on your own
Maybe someday i'll see you again
And you'll look me in your eyes
and call me your fren."
-empty apartment, yellowcard.

I jus love dis song.

&the beauty.

1:37 PM

I felt like changing the whole blog layout but i'm too damn lazy to do it. Its not yet 2pm and here i am thinking abt going back to sleep. Ooo.. the bed look so inviting. I feel like i'm in my stagnant mode which is very depressing since i should be studying for my assessment skills that's coming up on mon. I'm so boredd!! And she's at camp! i miss her like crazy.

i'm obsessed. Seriously people, i am. I made her buy for me shampoo dats e same as hers jus so dat i could smell like her. And since she's at camp, i've been smelling my hair every single time. And i keep wanting to bath n use e shampoo. Freaky. Told u i'm obsessed.

Got a friggin headache now so cant think much of wad i wanted to write. My brain desperately signaling for me to go to sleep. I think i should listen to it.

&the beauty.