you're a mystery yourself
We've been too strong for too long,
and i cant be without you baby.
And i'll be waiting up till you get home,
coz i cant sleep without you baby.
&the beauty.
Blogging is the only entertainment for me today, except for watching the OC. And i've been trying to figure out my notes for my upcoming paper. Its kinda sad actually when I had actually written some notes for my usage, yet I couldnt read my own handwriting. I guess it runs in the family.
Anyway, cant wait for this night to end. Cause tmr is a shaf&dee day. Which means I get to spend abundant hours with her just plain crapping and eating mac&cheese.
Till then.. back to figuring my notes. -squint-
&the beauty.
ergh.
You're working. You expect me to be at home or by your side. People have been saying how i choose to be with you 24/7 instead of mixing around with people who i called friends. And yet when i painstakingly join an activity that people other then you are involved, am i suppose to drop everything for you? Damn, i feel so restricted. At these point of time, i wish i could have all the freedom in the world. Without having to report to whoever and without having to take care of people's heart. Cause either way, I'm gonna lose and I hate losing. Yes I love you and yes I'll do anything for you, yet you wouldnt give such happiness to me? Maybe you wont.
Am i too naive to think that whatever decision I make is solely mine?
When in actual truth, i'm being manipulated by you.
&the beauty.
Trust is the big main issue here.
There seems to be something wrong in me, in which I couldnt stop myself from lying even for little little things. It just happened to flow out of my mouth freely just like the way I'm typing now. Sometimes I dont find a reason to lie and yet I do lie. And that is why I always fail in my relationships. Because lies will crawl back and bite you in the ass. And then when I finally think that I've lied too much and that I'm gonna rot in hell with a skinny ass, I decided to change. When I tried changing, boy it was hard. Damn hard. It gets disappointing when the truth that you say out are still deemed as lies, since your past are always full of lies. Just like "The boy who cried wolf". And so you get dee-motivated.
To lie or not to lie. That is the question.
&the beauty.
Weekend gonna be over in a few hours time. That marks the starting of intense craziness trying-to-cramp 3 months worth of notes in this pea sized brain of mine.
Get ready those midnight oils, iced milo and chocolate munchies.
&the beauty.
Since the day you and I snuck away to be alone
I knew from that night something special went on
It must have been the first kiss
You told me that nobody else in the world make you feel this
I felt the same way too but nothing stays the same
I'm sorry for the tears. I'm sorry for the pain
You were the one that always made things right
I promise you this thought that you got a friend for life
Maybe one day we can try it again
And maybe things can be a little different
So lets kiss and say goodbye
Cause I really cant stand the pain of seeing you cry
&the beauty.
I'm literally bending over the keyboard coz i'm just too tired to sit upright. I dont have much energy in me to even walk from the chair to my bed. And once i put my head on the pillow, i'm a gone case.But still i got to read my notes for tomorrow's paper.
Oh fark you papers.
&the beauty.
Its like a war zone in my house every single time i came back home.
There would be the itty bitty toys that my baby bro has strewn all over the living room. i would cringe every single time I step on one of his toy soldier. Next will be my mom trying to avoid whoever calling her, therefore her hp wont stop ringing. My grandma will be yakking on the house phone, talking to her old time cronies. My both brothers are busy karaoke-ing to the latest phenomenen, Mawi. They are even trying to impersonate him, the dance moves all that. Which cracks me up every single time. And the moment I step into my room, I felt peaceful.
Until the moment they come knocking on my door. Buggers.
Okay people. This is it. Its time to shove away those lovey dovey novels, its time to stop all the nonsense, its time to stop procastinating, its definitely start to copy down all the notes.
Its time to start mugging for the exams. oho.
*does that sound fierce enough?*
&the beauty.
ooh. It starting to get to me. I'm becoming such a worry wart. Especially during this last week of school. I'm starting to panic, i'm starting to think that my attendance might not be enough and I might even get debar from the exams. That is shitty.
After all those hellish week of presentations, after all those mind numbing tests, after all those failures and passes, i cant just be debar from the exams. Can I? It will just ruin everything.
Oh God. Please let me have the chance to go through with this.
Pretty please.
&the beauty.
I looked you in the eyes
I try to read your mind
I ask you to go with me
To a far away place
You and me dancing the night away
You can feel my heart beating so fast
We look eye to eye
but I'm swept away
&the beauty.
It irks me how people can be so hypocrite.
They could be smiling at you, saying hi to you and even hugging you to show how warm they are towards you. But in actual truth, they are dissing about you behind your back, thinking evil thoughts about you, stabbing you right in the back. So tell me if that's fair.
But life's aint fair.
&the beauty.
Finally i can breathe a major sigh of relief. I finally finished 3 major presentations in one fucking day. How sick is that. My nerves were seriously frayed. I keep going to the toilet early in the morning cause of that.
She's not in singapore and i feel so bored. The only time she left me all alone at home and I didnt have any plans. Haha. Dont worry darl, i wasnt planning on one either.I dont know Whats up with me and malay songs nowadays. it just seems to get stuck in my head and I keep belting the song at the top of my lungs anywhere, anytime. I'm sure my family members got accustomed to hearing me shouting the same lyrics over and over again.
Oh dammit people. I have to survive 3 more test till my exams.
Wish me luck. I need it.
&the beauty.
oh how irritating can life be. Its just so hectic and I cant breathe. I feel suffocate and I feel as tho there's not much time to do anything at all.
Not much time to stop and smell the roses.
One day, i'm jus gonna drop from from sheer exhaustion.
&the beauty.
Okay shaf, you can stop checking your phone every 5 sec to see whether there's any messages coz they wont be any.
She's been gone for 9 fucking hours and yet doesnt even have the basic courtesy to let me know where the hell she is. Even though she went to jb, doesnt mean she cant contact me. I think its very rude of you to let me worry about you like this. I've already had a fucking bad day and now you're adding to it? You told me you gonna be back way earlier than this and yet where the hell are you now.
you make me sick.
&the beauty.
Unjustice! Life's a farking bitch and yet I still have to endure it. *That's the point you bugger.* I'm sick and tired of handling things in life that is totally unfair. Not to mention i'm sick of dealing with emotions. Emotions make me feel weak and crappy, and very irritable, and sad and happy and.. you know what I mean.
Whenever I hear the song cinta tragika, kept reminding of edd. And I wonder what she's doing and thinking. And suddenly I'll feel this big swell of emotions and it hurts.
I miss her.
Feelings are a bitch.
&the beauty.
The sense of hecticness. Is there such a sentence?
I love being busy, love having a hectic schedule. Even though sometimes it can be destructing but still, it helps to distract my mind from the usual worries. All those presentations, exams, tests etc.. all being done last minute.. i'm trying to finish up everything while still having time to go school and also have some sort of a social life. I've been a hermit so far.
And now, i have to finish up my project and get ready to go out within an hour.
Oh shit. May the force be with me.
&the beauty.
Dang. For once this week, I came home early. The sound of my baby bro's laughter are music to my ears. I miss him. Like crazy. He's always sleeping whenever I just got home or going out to school. And he actually hugged me and laughed when I tickled him, instead of the usual punch in my face. I always think that my family's pretty irriatating but when its being compared to other people's, my family seems to be the golden family, almost perfect. So yeah, I wouldnt trade them for anything in the world.
Things always go up and down. Where is the stability that I need? Where's the air that I need to breathe? Where's the happiness that I've been looking for? Dont I at least deserve it?
Maybe I dont.
But it still doesnt alter the fact that I love you. Much more than you'll ever know. I have plans for the both of us. Major big plans. And I am definitely gonna make sure that our relationship works.
I.need.to.shave.my.hair.
&the beauty.
Best friends never ever ever keep secrets from each other. Especially something serious that concerns about you and your future happiness. Especially lies that are kept hidden from you. When your friend looks you in the eye, and say "I've got something to tell you. And its not gonna be pretty.", be very scared. By then, your heart will surely be pumping with full anticipation. But no matter what happen, they will always be there for you. You can count on that.
As I've keep on repeating, lies will just come back and bite you in the ass. No matter how skinny your ass is.
&the beauty.
You hide things from me when things are going so perfectly well.
next time, hide it better.
&the beauty.
Procastinate. Ooh. That's what I've been doing since the starting of this break week. I've been so enthusiastic in trying to catch up on my studies and show people that I can and I will pass my exams with flying colours, even though i've never attend a single lecture and that my attendance like fark. But now its almost the starting of school and my books are untouched. Guilt sticking onto me like a leech.
I've been sleeping like a pig. I'm starting to doubt that a pig can sleep longer then me. Oh bugger, the empress dowager is shouting for me. Update whenever I feel like it.
I seriously need to be disciplined. Oh someone, hand me the cane. I'll smack myself.
&the beauty.
Ergh. In a matter of three weeks, this whole semester gonna be kaput. Zilch. Nada. In just a blink of an eye. And yet, within these three weeks, there's presentations, tests, exams, whatever shit. I wished I could take a break from everything but hell, there's no chance of that.
Oh fark. I had hoped that blogging would make me feel better yet, i still feel as bored as ever. And I doubt Liza would think my blog is entertainin anymore.
Better end it here before i start crapping.
cheerios.
&the beauty.
A tribute to you.
"I'm so tired of being here
suppressed by all my childish fears
If you have to leave,
I wish that you would just leave
cause your presence still lingers here
and it wont leave me alone."
Its been a year. A freaking long year. I wish that you could live your life happily. I cant bear to see you cry and yet I wish you wouldnt hide your emotions behind your mask. I thank you for changing me, making me be a better person. You were always there whenever I need you, wherever I need you. Even after all these years, you're still the same kind hearted person. And I pray to God that you find the happiness that you deserve.
You do know that there's always a soft spot for you in my heart.
&the beauty.
