you're a mystery yourself
It was a blast. a massive blast.
i'm real glad that my friends were there yesterday night to celebrate my pre- birthday and i really appreciated it. it makes a whole lot difference to have them by my side. thanks for the surprise people and it really brought a smile to my face when they called my name on the stage. just wished someone had photographed my blur face cause it took a while to register in my head that they were actually calling for me. haha.
thanks to :
mahirah - for sharing that bottle of vodka with me and getting drunk with me.
wati - for coming down and taking care of me, not to mention sending me home.
fauzee - for langgar-ing your tagging
Remy - for the upcoming birthday present and being my friend through all these years
finally, a big hug and kiss to
liza - for the present, the support, the dozens of kisses and hugs, the birthday request at hrc
nad - for being there when in actual fact you had to run out of your house while your mom wasn't looking, for the upcoming present, thanks for the birthday request too.
i love you guys so much. and now friends mean everything to me cause i know for sure i can depend on you guys for anything and everything. muacks.
&the beauty.
So remember this whenever I call
We go back too far
We've been through it all
Even though we haven't spoke in so long
Ain't nothing has changed
Not a damn thing, baby.
&the beauty.
i'm not happy. i'm so messed up. i'm delusional. i wished someone could just come up to me and screamed into my face just to wake me up. i hate myself for now.
the flu bug has finally caught me. Along with the not sleeping well, not eating well, not thinking well. This is the biggest breakdown ever.
Dun talk to me. coz i might just bite your head off.
and i dont need your pity.
and i so need my sleep now.
&the beauty.
a tribute to you and me.
Sometimes i feel like as if i'm just gliding through day by day motions without ever focusing on anything. Every single day seems the same to me, nothing to look forward to. No meetings, no lunch dates, no going out, just plain old nothing. Life has never feel emptier than now. And times like these, all that comes to mind are the good memories. Those days when we pledge to be together forever, when we planned over groceries shopping and fighting about what movie to watch. I still remember every single word you say, every single fight we had, every single moment that we spent together. How we spend the night at the chalet and it felt so good when you take care of me and that's when it hit me that i would really wish to spend my whole life with you regardless of the consequences.Those nights spending at boat quay with cup noodles and our faithful big gulp, you promised to love me even if i lose all my hair. Those days of watching you play soccer and i felt so proud of you that I just feel like running to the field and hugging you even if it means disrupting the game. You never failed to bring a smile to my face just by winking remember? Remembering all this makes me feel as though all the fights that we had are just plain stupid and juvenile. And now we're just like two strangers, without even realising the fact that we had just celebrated our one year anniversary a few weeks back. And till now, i keep on wondering what went wrong between us. It could be something i did or said or both but i never meant to be separated from you this long and it feels like there's no going back. Dont you ever wish you could just turn back the hands of time and erase all the bad memories or just simple relive all the good memories? i would really love to do that.
ever since i know you, its been a wonderful journey. you brought a whole new meaning to the word love. I've never known forever till I know you. I've never been willing to sacrifice so much till I know you. You've taught me so much in this past one year than what i could ever learn in a lifetime.
And so I thank you dee. For being the love of my life.
&the beauty.
and so the countdown begins.
5 more days to being 19.
-smilez-
&the beauty.
i feel good. i feel optimistic. i feel grateful.
And no i'm not trying to convince myself. Maybe, just a lil bit.
Anyhoo, i got to meet my minahs after long time of disappearance and i must say it feels so damn good. To be able to talk things out, laugh and joke, reminiscise and hearing shak's awful animal noises. hah.
Lets do it all over again.
phuket anyone?
&the beauty.
its such a pity. a year plus of relationship just goes down the drain. In just a split second. In just a few words. In a matter of moments. And yet i'm too numb that it can't really be comprehended in my brain. I keep on telling myself that its gonna be okay but it doesnt seem to. I wished I could convince myself that things will get better but tiredness just seeps in. I can't keep on with things anymore and i'm so messed up that I need people to literally pick me up abd shake my senses back in my brain.
i miss her. no three words are as important as these words except for yeah, i love you. Either way, i meant both sets of those three words to you.
&the beauty.
i have to block out thoughts of you so i don't lose my head
They crawl in like coakroaches leaving babies in my bed
dropping little reels of tape to remind me that i'm alone
Playing movies in my head that make porno feel like home
There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my head
an ounce of peace is all i want for you. Will you never call again?
And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face?
And will you never try to reach me? It is I that wanted space.
And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave
Kickin shadows on the street for every mistake that i made
And like a baby boy, i never was a man
Untill i saw your blue eyes crying and I held your face in my hand
And then i fell down yelling, "make it go away"
Just make a smile come back and shine like it used to be
And then she whispered, "how can you do this to me"
Hate me today
hate me tomorrow
hate me for the things I didnt do for you.
&the beauty.
its official.
i have been getting from bad to worse to even more worse. Wtf. Now, i have all the freedom to do whatever shit I wan and yet somehow i feel some form of disappointment in myself. Sometims i just dont know what to do with myself. The thought of having to make decisions are purely sheer agony. And I still can't decide.
On a lighter note, i've finally went to MOS with people who I least expected to except for Liza of course. There were too much guys to my disappointment but it was still fun though. The crowd was packed like sardines and I ended up stepping on Liza's feet every single time. Hah. till the next time den.
and now all i want to do is pack my stuff and go back home and just cuddle up in bed with my smelly blankie and dozens of pillows, and yeah sleep till the next two days probably.
&the beauty.
If i was your girlfriend,
i'll be there for you, if somebody hurts you
Even if that somebody is me
Sometimes I trip on how happy we could be
And so I put this on my life
Nobody or nothing will ever come in between us
And I promise i'll give my life
And all of my trust if you were my girlfriend
Put this on my life
The air that i breathe in, all that I believe in
I promise I'll give my life
my love and my trust if you were my boyfriend.
&the beauty.
goddammnit.
i am so bloody tired. of working and schooling. and especially of fighting. i would love to just spend a day free of fights, work and schooling and just to chill out with my loved ones. just me and them. with cigs, booze and laughter. Right now, doing nothing at all will make me really happy.
things are not going well. i have too many activities to do, too many work being piled up over and over again, too many things to do in such a compressed time. Miss know-it-all was right, this IS too much for me to handle. Especially someone like me who definitely can't multitask. I can't even walk and open a bottle of water at the same time. hah.
as for now, i'm taking things slowly. i'm just going with the flow. i just have this feeling that you dont love me anymore yet its hard to let go of a year long r/s. whatever it is, be honest. Dont let me be the last one to know.
"Boy, i miss your kisses
all the time but this is
25 minutes too late.
Though you travelled so far,
boy, i'm sorry you are
25 minutes too late."
&the beauty.
oh fark. where's dat vow of trying to do better dis semester? when in actual fact, here i am at the comp lab instead of going to my class. but seriously i feel so damn sick. i've had not enough sleep, i havent had a decent meal in ages, i've been so busy going to school and work that i neglect my basic needs. Not to mention that i'm totally obsessed with green tea which makes me shit like hell. And i'm actually glad that i'm spending my time in the comp lab instead of doing nothing much since i'll be able to update my blog from here. Comp at home will be better off destroyed. Seriously. So dun mind me people, i'm just gonna blog my hearts out.
i.freaking.look.like.justicebao.
if you guys dont know who he is, better check it out. i have a scar on my already big forehead thanks to mr dee's ability to throw a frisbee good and hard. that's right people, i've been hit by a frisbee squarely on my forehead and it left a miserable goddamnit scar. And i spent so much time either at the beach or the pool, that i've become so dark that you might not be able to recognize me if i happen to walk along serangoon. hah. that's one bloody exaggeration.
projects keep on piling up and i still have not attend a single lecture. i've been working 5 days a week and its taking a toll on me. my weekdays are full of school and work, with time in between to meet her and when it comes to my weekend, i'll party like crazy to make up for the lost weekdays fun thingy. its no wonder i didnt have enough sleep. and its so happens that now i'm becoming more obsessed with losing weight and being fitter. i've been to the gym, pool, beach and drinking green tea to shit my way to less than 50kg. i would love to impress mr dee with abs and toned muscles by the end of the month. muahaha.
i meet nad and liza more than i meet my own family and i've been missing out on family outings and bonding sessions. In time to come, i might not even recognize my own brother since he's getting darker and taller by day. i havent seen him for a week.
i love mr dee a lot. i would love to be mrs dee. i would love to grow old with her, to live together with her and buy groceries at shop and save since i would get a discount there. Its already been more than a year we're together. we've gone through so much arguments, bloody fights, screaming tantrums etc that we know each other so well. i didnt lose you last time and i'm not going to lose you now. i've been loving you more and more. =]
oh yeah, one more thing, my birthday's coming.
&the beauty.
wad a long weekend.
my comp has been down for so many weeks. and its such a hassle to go to the library every single time just to update this frigging blog. but yet when i'm here, i've got nothing to say.
update later den.
till den, i love dee.
&the beauty.
it has been ages. since i last posted an entry in dis goddamn blog.
attachments are finally over [2 freaking bloody mths] and here i am in school again. the lessons are so farking relax and projects are already piling up, oh hell, its gonna be a short and busy year. my final year ever. i'm glad to go back to school again mostly because of her, and also the freedom that i have in school. And of course like every semester, i'm gonna vow again about how i'm gonna do better this sem and not fool around. yeah rite. hah.
and yet a part of me dread to go back to school. coz every now and den i get reminded of her and her. yeah smtg like that. i hate how my feelings of paranoia and insecurties starting to chew my insides. i hate how she made a fool of me last time whenever i think of her infidelity. i hate how i could just turn a blind eye to it. i hate how i could still love her.
Me and her gonna be a year together soon. and one day, someday, i have to let it go and move on. till that day comes, i guess i'll just obsess over it.
&the beauty.
