you're a mystery yourself

Sunday, July 31, 2005

10:26 PM

to 69:

you asked me to be wif u again, even tho i've hurt u badly last time.
Even tho u know i cant be wif u. Even tho u know i love someone else.
Wad we had last time could neva be erased.
But it wont be e same again.
You know i'm still here.
And you know i'll be there for u, no matter wad.

Maybe one day, someday, you mite neva know.

&the beauty.

9:39 PM

i wanna be wif her.

Love them a lot.

ohman. i start work again tmr.

&the beauty.

10:53 AM

Its my birthday n i should be happy.
I am happy but i feel dat there's smtg missing.
Maybe its coz u're not here by my side anymore.
U said dat i've change for e worse n i'm scared u wont love me anymore.

Tell me if u dont love me. Dun let me hope for smtg dat will not happen.

&the beauty.

9:28 AM

Happy birthday to me. Finally. =P

Yesterday was great. Went to p.S first to meet my fren n eat wif her before she go work. We talked abt stuffs n its true wad she said, dat she doesnt know wad i'm thinking in my head n wad i wanted. Dat is true, almost everybody say i'm like dat. I guess i only open up to ppl who really really knows me well.

Met Liza at TAka den went to sit at BK liat towers. After dat rosli came. Den nad n remy. Lastly, havoc and azriel. Aww.. they gave me a bouquet of flowers. Hehe. I couldnt stop smiling.
We went to tha wu bar ard 8pm, we were like e first ones there as usual. I wished we had took pics. Dang.

Remy n havoc treat me to drinks. We got chummy wif e bartender n he let us tried his recommended drinks. Thanks guys. =P
e most interesting part:
i got super high like neva before.
I did silly stuff.
I pole dance.
i whine.
i keep peeing.
Someone always had to take care of me.

I would like to say thank you to all those ppl present last nite for spendin my bday wif me, thanks for e pressies, thanks for taking care of me n tolerating my shit. Thanks for being there for me. Love you ppl.

&the beauty.

11:55 PM

Cannot touch
cannot hold
cannot be together

Cannot love
cannot kiss
cannot love each other

Must be strong
and we must let go
cannot say wad our hearts must know

how can i not love you
wad do i tell my heart
when i do not wan u here in my heart
how does one walk away
from all of e memories
how do i not miss u when u are gone

&the beauty.

10:21 PM

you're wif her.
ANd wad am i suppose to do?
i cant keep u off my mind.
But neither am i willin to break u guys up.

And u told me to wait.
How can i handle it knowin u're wif her doing e things dat we did last time.
i'm suppose to go, i know dat.
But i keep coming back to u.

I gotta be strong rite.
i shouldnt be cryin my eyes out.
i gotta walk away.

&the beauty.

10:41 PM

I remember

how u held my hand tightly, scared dat i'll slip on e wet pavement.
how u cupped my face and kissed me tenderly on da lips.
how u wiped my sweat away when the weather gets too hot.
how u could always make me laugh.
how u put a smile on my face when i frown.
e way you hugged me and make me feel fuzzy n warm.
e way u unterlaced ur fingers wif mine n never let go.
how u held me in ur arms when i cried.
how u dried away my tears.
how u cared for me.
how u loved me.

e little things dat u did are e most precious one of all.
Dun think its over when its only e beginning.

&the beauty.

9:52 PM

i've been fallin asleep in bus all e time. Guess i'm jus so freakin tired wif all those emotional stress n stuffs. My energy are all drained out n i feel so weak. I've been fallin sick all e time nowadays. Lack of sleep. Lack of vitamins. Too much of smoke. Too much activities. Dats e main reasons.

I went to her house yest early in e mornin afta my skool. Too tired dat i jus took a cab there. I jus felt like huggin her when i saw her. Many things have been said n i felt dis sense of loss. i've missed her so much. We jus cuddle up together and i even cried in her arms and she hugged me even tighter. I love u so much.

Sometimes i wonder whether its stupid of me to let u go jus coz i thot u would be happy wif her.
Like i said, i'll wait for u.

&the beauty.

8:30 PM

No need to say a word
Yeah girl its so clear
I can read thru those tears
dat girl jus stole u away from me
So wad u're abt to say is my biggest fear
Last thing dat i needed to hear was u no longer love me.

No no, no no
tell me how i got it wrong
No one could jus come along
and take u away from me
No no, no no
Tell me i'm losing my mind
Promise when u close ur eyes
u're dreaming of me

So today before u step out to break my heart
Before u start pickin my world apart
Jus know dat i'll never stop u
i've been where u are.

&the beauty.

3:38 PM

It has been said dat when u love someone, u have to learn how to let go.
And dats what i'm trying to do.
Its hard to adjust without u around doing ur goofy merepek stuffs esp dat wink.
But i'll try my best.

We'll be the bestest buddy.

&the beauty.

5:05 PM

i'm here at school trying to pass e time coz my next class at 6. So e irrtatin. Nad is being such an irritatin bugger beside me, whinin trying to get into my good books. (afta she had succesfully ruined my entire life if dats possible) Now, she's laughin like one gundu while readin wad i'm typin. Ohmygod!! She jus gave me e middle finger. And she cant even log in into her own blog.. Muahaha.. And she jus threatened to beat me up. Yeah rite. So now, who's e minah here!
She wan to sue me for writing abt her (but who else wan to write abt her if not me rite) keke.. i jus love to disturb her.. i'm so bored dat its as though i'm writin a live telecast of wad she's doing.

Anyway back to a more interestin stuff.
I miss HER so much. To da core. Fweakin much. Okay, stop it.
But seriusly i miss her coz its been a long time since i meet her. Ever since yest.
And somemore we fought abt some stuff yest nite. And i cant believe it but i cried like crazy. All my mucus were drippin over my shirt, pillow, blankie n if possible even my hp.
Well, wad can i say, it was a wet n blue nite.
And i'm glad dat everything sorted out btwn us already honey.

5 more days to being legal.

Sign out,
Dumber.

&the beauty.

12:18 AM

Everyone ask wad i wan for my bdae.
Wait, i exaggerate a lot.
Fine, its only a few ppl asked wad i wan.
So i decided to make life easier for u guys by makin dis list.

Havaianah slippers
Wallet
Bring me shoppin
Lots of money.

&the beauty.

11:18 PM

Sorry is the hardest word to say. Especially since i'm an egoistic person.

But still, i'm sorry honey.

i know dat i should trust you n dat i shouldnt be insecure. Till now, i cant figure out wad went wrong wif me coz i'm not dat kind of girl to go bonkers. And i can assure u dat there wont be another drama. i'm way over dat.

Love and trust is all we need.

&the beauty.

10:47 PM

i'm so shagged. Yest was totally awesome n its so kecoh. haha.

Met nad, izz n kye n went to Raffles place. We went to Club Sahara to smoke sheesha n drink again. I feel like i'm gettin from bad to worse. Reach Sahara ard 7 n we were like e first ones there. Our spot was so super comfy wif all e cushions n stuff.

We spend our time smoking sheesha. drinking. gettin high. playing cards. crapping.
its such a pity no one brought camera. And we get to kiss each other. Woohoo.
Afta dat remy, azriel, havoc n lina came by. Remy was drunk like crazy. everyone had to take turns carrying her out to vomit. and boy, she's so heavy!

i've gotten so high in e end dat i ended up kissin everybody. Ohmygod. Sorry peeps. I was jus super hyper la. In e end, took cab wif izz n kye and went home while e rest went hard rock. Buggers.

Dat guy ask for my number. Woohoo.

&the beauty.

10:58 AM

Sometimes i think to myself,

are u happy?

are u thinking of me when u're not wif me?

are u missin me like i'm missin u?

are u scared to lose me?

do u love me as much as i love u?

Sometimes, i feel dat u love me but sometimes i feel like u dont care.
i'm scared to put all my hope into u, fearing dat u'll break my heart one day.

But still i'm willin to take e risk.

Coz i love u.

"Catalyst, you insist to pull me down. You contradict the fact dat u still wan me ard."

&the beauty.

10:47 AM

Friends.

I thot i knew wads dat meaning.

Ppl who loves u for who u are, accepts u for ur good n bad stuff, who cares for u, be there for u n basically support u in anything u do whether its shitty or not.

But maybe, friends=burdens.

I admit, maybe i am a burden to u. It is my own fault for skippin classes etc. And i shouldnt have left u behind in sch all e time. I know dat u care for us but is ur concern for us so great till u have to become complete strangers wif us? I know dat u're scared dat we'll lag behind in our studies but let me assure u dat i'll do everything in my power to make sure dat me n nad wont have to repeat any modules.

It is hurting to read wateva u wrote in ur blog. I had to write in my blog too knowing dat i cant bring myself to say all dis to u or even to msg u dis. It feels as tho u're severing ties wif us. I admit i'm suprised coz dat thought has never ever entered my head. We are young and naive, and never once we thought of using you. Dun worry, i'll never ever borrow ur books or even ask u to tap my card for me. It was wrong of us to depend on u so much last sem. Maybe its coz we know u will be there to take care of us. But u're not here anymore.

I dont know wad will happen to us.

you brought a whole new meaning to e word "Friends".

&the beauty.

1:13 PM

Retribution.

Seriusly wad Ad say is true. Dis is my retribution.

To finally love someone who u dun even haf e intention to cheat on but in e end, u ended up losing the person. I dunno whether u guys understand wad da hell i'm talkin abt.

I love her. I really do. And i hope she loves me too. But in our picture, there's another third party who's loving her. I dunno wad am i supposed to do. Am i suppose to let go of the person i love or am i supposed to fight for her. Honestly, i'm not a fighter.

She brightens up my life n now my life revolves ard her. I look forward to e next day knowing dat i could spend time wif her n be wif her. But now, everything seems to be lost.

I care n love for her too much dat i think its better off to jus let go. I know dat she's confused n felt caught in e middle. I know dat its hard for her to make a decision.

So now i'll decide for her.

Be strong.

&the beauty.

11:05 PM

Its a brand new Monday to a brand new week. Oh how time flies so freakin fast.

Lectures/tutorials/classes/meetings passes me like a breeze. I dun even know wad da hell i'm doing in skool. I've got so much to catch up on. Fwish. But i still remember i told Ad dat i'm gonna do well dis semester. I can do It!!!

Today i found out smtg bad. It dint suprise me but still, it broke my heart. I was angry dat u dint tell me n dat u could still lie to me. But u said u had no choice. I dont know whether to believe u n trust u or to jus forget abt us. But i dun wan to lose u, not at dis moment.

"You're hiding something Coz its burnin thru your eyes. I tried to get it out but all i hear from you are lies."

Dee bought me red rose n chocs.
Mum bought me mp3.
Woohoo!

&the beauty.

9:21 PM

ohmygod. Dis has been a very interesting weekend so far. I have to admit dat i've neva had a weekend like dis before. All thanks to Sri.

Everything was on impulse. I didnt even had any concrete plans. All i know was to spend dis 3 days n two nights as meaningful as possible. Well, in a way, i did.

Friday:
Went to havoc's place wif dee to keep all my stuff coz i was gonna overnight there dat night. After slackin at her room n bathing, me n dee went out go town to eat at Lucky Plaza's Mac coz the rest of the shop close already. Den we went to play pool, and she won. Damn.

From town, we walked all e way to city hall in e drizzlin rain. We were like small kids. Seriusly. We could be holdin hands at one moment and chasin e each other at e next moment n also tryin to spar wif each other. And splashin each other wif water while tryin to kick n box at e same time. haha.. But e highlight of e day was e part where i could fall two times within an hour. All thanks to dee. I was runnin after her den she suddenly stop n thanks to my slippers, i managed to slip n fell on my butt. Oh man. it was damn fuckin embarrassin wif all those drivers/motorcyclists/passerbys watchin. And somemore, Dee laugh like crazy. So freakin bad rite. But it was funny. And within half an hour, i fell again, dis time almost sprainin my ankle which till now hurts like crazy. Dee called me a klutz. But still u love me rite. =P

We went to Boat quay to lepak but ended up going into Queens. Wad da hell. Wif all those minahs n mats n dat fuckin irritatin bouncer who's irritatin. And yeah baby, sorry i wasnt a good dancer and i could see u were itchin to dance like crazy on e dancefloor. Haha..

Dee went back home ard 2 den i met Edd. It was so sweet of her to come down jus coz she know i was gonna be alone after dee left. And i'm so grateful to her. Coz my ezlink was wif dee n Edd gave me the money to go home. Thanks a lot mate. And sorry for all e trouble i caused u. Betta take care of urself and dun puke anymore.

After dat met havoc and azriel at serangoon den went home to havoc's place to sleep. I was limpin all e way back n got labelled crippled by dem. Thanks eh.

Saturday:
Woke up early. Eat. Drink. Smoke. WEnt back to sleep.

And sleep. And sleep. And sleep again.

Met Dee at yck ard 5 den went to town to meet her frens. Jus chill ard. Take pics. Follow shoppin. Den terserempak some more wif her other frens. There was lots of ppl standing and huggin and talkin at e same time. It kinda confused me but hey, it was a butches galore. Hehe. Went to sakura to eat and after dat 4 guys and 4 girls took cabs to boat quay to smoke sheesha at Sahara. No one bothered to check our Ic or wateva shit but hey, i'm not complainin. Sheesha wasnt dat bad. E flavour strawberry was better though. And they bought drinks!!! Long Island. Tequila Sunrise. Vodka. SMoke. I had to leave ard 11 to fetch nad to go east coast. Nad was late as usual but she made it up to me and we ended up takin cab, reachin early so we can drink e absolut vodka. Den had to walk all e way to Mac east coast.

E plan was to go to BFD but everyone was late. So everyone ended up drinkin again. This girl, Mas bought cans of baron, vodka, jim bean and everyone gotten so high by dat time. And when we finally finished e drinks to go in to BFD, it was already 2 am. And it turns out that the place check Ic so me n nad cant go in. Fuckerneneh. So tak puas hati. SO we ended up pitchin e tent, slack, eat cup noodles, talk crap, smoke n sleep. I was e one sleepin la. Cant believe i was so fuckin cranky n irritatin n really made havoc pissed off to e max. I even made dem wear socks/shirts/shorts for me.

Basically, i became a whiner. which seriusly not my forte. They even record me snoring which was very funny n embarassin n makes me wonder how they do it without me knowin. Maybe coz i was dead asleep.

I've type so much n now my hands are so cramp.

Now very freakin lazy to type some more so i jus gona leave it like dis.

Adios-

&the beauty.

12:32 AM

i've been going home late nowadays. Always after 11. And its a miracle my mom haven chase me out of e house yet. Okay fine, i'm exaggerating.

i'm feelin so e mood swings rite now. i can be happy at one moment or attitude e next moment. Rite baby?
Well, wad can i say, its a girls thing.

My life revolves ard her now. I talk to her till late at nite n i woke up damn early to meet her n spend e day wif her. Everyday its all about her. I'm happy to jus be near her. I even willin to wait 7 hours for her, jus to see her train.
Well, wad can i say, love makes e world go round.

ANd i'm sorry baby for gettin angry at u. I didnt mean to. Love ya honey.

I so need cold, chocolatey gooey drink now. Fuckerneneh.

&the beauty.

11:17 PM

Wads wif me nowadays. i jus cant seem to eat anymore. Its like as though my brain n heart is too much in love dat i dun feel e hunger pang. Wad da hell.

I didnt eat a single thing today. Seriusly. And dat is such a miracle, knowin dat i'm such e freakin big eater/tong sampah. There was a fuckin lots of things on my mind today n i was so fuckin stress dat i smoke a lot. Freakin a lot.

And dats why i ended up gettin off the bus halfway before i reach home, and pukin all over my shoes. i had to sit under e block n puke all my guts out till i felt like jus droppin off n sleep there. At dat moment of time, i wished my baby was there to take care of me.

We argued jus now abt some thing dat i found in her hp. I could feel e heart pain really well and i'm jus so scared dat she will play wif my feelings. And when she hugged me jus now, i could feel my whole body melt into her arms. Even tho i was freakin angry at her. And keep beatin her up.

Baby, i'm serius wif u. Please be serius wif me.

Damn. Now i sound pathetic. But seriusly, i love u.

&the beauty.

1:01 PM

i fucking hate it.
i fuckin hate it when ppl talk abt me. I fuckin hate it when they spread rumours abt me. They assumed stuffs abt me when they dun even know me at all.
Trying to destroy e happiness dat i'm feelin now.
Trying to destroy e life dat i'm having now.
Trying to get back at me.

You dont know me. You only heard abt me.
Stop breakin me n her up.
It wont work.
It wont bring me down.

&the beauty.

12:11 PM

now i'm so freakin free n bored. and dat makes me think a lot.

My memories flashed back to dat nite.
Thursday, 070705
After skool i went out wif her, we went to watch a movie, The fantastic Four.
I jus love cuddlin up wif her n watchin e movie.
Everytime i'm wif her, i couldnt eat. All i could feel was butterflies in my stomach.
And damn, it was a Lot of butterflies.
Afta e movie, we went to bugis to buy my shirt den we jus walked aimlessly around. i didnt care coz i was jus contented holding hands wif her n being by her side.
We went to boat quay after dat n jus sat by e riverside, talkin n lookin at e view.
Wif her by my side, i felt dat it was too good to be true n i wanted time to stand still for us. I couldnt help it e way i felt abt her.
i'm glad she's mine.

Friday, 080705
I went to her house after skool to jus lepak for awhile before going out. We ended up wrestlin/beating/kickin each other.. haha. Especially wif e ice pack thingy.
ANd i demand a rematch.
We went to Lucky plaza to eat. Finally i could eat wif her ard. I think e wrestling dat makes me really hungry.
afta dat, we jus slack at e carpark to chill n smoke.
I did smtg dat broke my heart. I slapped her for smtg dat she didnt tell me. And it wasnt jus a 1 or 2 slap. It was a continuous slap. By e end of it, both her cheeks were very red. E skin area near her eye became blue black. I'm sorry baby i had to do it. I jus love u n care for u dats why.
And den u hugged me afterwards and cry.
U hugged me as though u dun wanna let go.
U asked me not to leave u n i wont.
I love you baby.
DUn leave me kay. Dun lie to me too.

&the beauty.

11:02 PM

I'm always not asleep ard dis time. Why? Coz i'm always waitin to call my babyboy.

I'm so freakin tanned!
All becoz of e soccer match thingy at Ubi n
oh yeah,
the sun.

I woke up so freakin early in e mornin.
Den i jus got dis sudden urge to see her play soccer n give my support. Another reason, i miss her.
So i took a cab to Ubi.

And damn, it was full of butches. Woohoo. hee.
But of course, my eyes on her only.

I became her personal assistant. I feel like i'm her agent. Haha..
I wipe her sweat.
I took care of her stuffs.
Tag along whenever she play her game.
But i'm loving it.

Now everyone on the team knows dat i'm her gf and i'm so happy coz she admits to everyone dat i'm her gf. Okay shaf, wateva. -melts-

It is a very small world. Within a few mins of being there, i could recognise so many ppl already.
The one moment dat i totally stunned when i realised dat Ad was there. I jus turned my head and i saw her sittin wif her frens. In my heart, i swore to myself. Damn, of all days, i have to meet e Ad who jus called me a bitch in her blog jus a few days back. I knew she saw me but i guess she pretended not to see me. And dat was kinda sad, knowin dat we lost everything.
But in e end, i guess we've clear some things up.

&the beauty.

11:44 PM

i have jus only started skool dis week n i'm feelin shagged/tired/lazy but motivated at e same time. Okay i dunno wad da hell am i talkin about. My schedule's doesnt suck as much as i thot it would. And i've been revolvin my schedule ard her.

i'm fallin in love wif her. I'm scared dat she's jus playin wif my feelings but i cant help myself from wantin to be wif her. I love e way she hold my hands, hug me n kiss me. And even let me win at pool. Haha. i'm feelin as though its a dream. Its jus too good to be true. I wish someone would jus pinch me n wake me up from dis dream. Wait a minute, she already pinched me. -melts-

To Ad:

Thanks for e summer romance. I'll neva forget e wonderful feelings and e whirlwind romance. I know i wasn't fair to u n i'm sorry for dat.

&the beauty.