you're a mystery yourself

Sunday, April 30, 2006

10:10 PM

take me away from this empty apartment.

&the beauty.

9:29 PM

my life now consist of work, lounging at home and nothingness. i am bored to death by all this emptiness, nothingness and loneliness. i have absolutely no direction in life. No passion, no hobby, just plain old nothing. And if i'm not careful, i might just get sweeped away by depression just like my patients.

its not easy for me to voice all this out and i guess i am in sort of denial. But honest fark, i feel so lonely. there's nothing waiting for me at home and there's nothing waiting for me out there. Its just same old routine every single day and i'm sick of it. i hate this monotonous feeling and i just wished someone could snap me out of it. i'm so scared that one day i might just break down. why do everyone seems happy and i'm not? i tried distracting myself but there's a limit to reading books right. other than that i have no way of occupying time. i even wished that they had not invented weekends so i'll just be stuck on attachment and that's all matters. Instead of trying to kid myself that weekend will be great, i could just drown my sorrows in work.

i would love to spent time with my loved ones. i would love to be joking around and laughing with them. going to the movies or just plain going out will do. i'm not expecting much. i would like you to spend a little bit more time with me. is that very selfish of me? maybe i am. But i need it. I need to reassure myself that i'm not alone.

i hate everything.

&the beauty.

11:20 AM

i hate the feeling of being alone.

totally hate it.

&the beauty.

8:37 PM

my blog has been lagging lately and i dint even realise that my previous post wasnt even published. Well, as the saying goes, its better late than never.

i'm always late for work. except for the first day. even tho i went out of the house an hour in advance, i still managed to be late. i just wonder. but then, imma gonna change my whole life and no its not in dat kind of way. She's gonna send me to and fro from work and yeah in her sunny bright yellow car that makes you feel extremely large in it. pretty great huh. damn, i'm so dead beat. Been standing for two hours straight and laughing like one crazy girl while bernard keep on lecturing about neh neh. haha. wad a sick man. but whatever he said is true and very interesting. he said that jealousy, anger and whatever crappy emotions that are stuck in your brain are just toxic and that it will make you become psychotic thus you have to learn how to let go. That is exactly what i needed to hear. I need to let go of my insecurites, paranoia and all those negative feelings. at least i'm trying. really. like really really.

iloveher.iloveher.iloveher.nomatterwad.

&the beauty.

9:14 PM

I am now the proud owner of a big toe, after bandaging of course. Poor me, i had to limp all the way home from work today due to the fact that my big toe has a fungal infection. And i was even ditched by nad coz she's say, "you walk too slow." Ouch. Well, try walking with an infectious toe that has pus in it while wearing tight shoes. hmph. I guess its my fault too since i'm a disgusting person by nature. e doc gave me an injection to numb the pain while he cut my toe a little so that he can squeeze out the pus. there wasnt much pain compared to just now when i had to brisk walk and limp while trying to catch up with nad under the pouring rain.

well, i've learnt my lesson. next time, i'll wear socks with shoes and yeah, wash my shoes regularly.

&the beauty.

9:18 PM

i was in total denial. kept telling myself that in the end things will work out. but today i've realised things were oh so different. no more going back to the past.

its the beginning of the end.

&the beauty.

1:04 PM

oh god. how i miss those times. those times where nothing else matters except for us. i dunno why but i just feel so sad all the time. Its as though i can just burst into tears any minute. And yet nothing can cheer me up for long. Each day seems to go by so slowly and i seem to dread being alone. and i absolutely hate the feeling.

remember those times when we could meet every single day. without any single interference. and then we became too busy with school lives, work and more work. remember those times when we could go anywhere and still have fun and be contented with each other company. remember those dates that we always set up so that we can spend time together. remember, remember and remember.

i could only remember those moments.

&the beauty.

8:28 PM

a sunny glorious day at sentosa. Before the rain drowns the light.

thanks to someone [i shall not mention her name], we got lost to sentosa. AFter an hour in that freaking bus, i doubt that we will ever reach sentosa. But that someone insisted me to trust her so i just sat back and waited till the bus driver confirmed that we were going the wrong way. sheesh. so much for trusting her. hah. But i still do of course. =]

the sun was at its highest peak, bearing down its rays on people like us. So yeah we got tanned yet a bit burnt since my skin so fragile. We spent umpteenth minutes in the sea, just lazing around talking about shitty stuffs, singing off key songs and commenting on how the seaweed seriously resembles nad's hair or remy's armpit hair. Cant exactly spot the difference.

as for now, i betta go construct my shopping list. Payday coming soon you see.

&the beauty.

9:05 AM

its so early in the morning and here I am awake. I have to get ready in an hour time due to this bitching excursion that I have with nad, and remy to sentosa in this rainy season. ergh. I think i'll just fall asleep on my towel and that is not hard to achieve.

and i seriously cant wait to start my attachment. for the wrong reasons of course. =]

&the beauty.

3:13 PM

Just when things when right
Suddenly it all went wrong
Just take this song
and you'll never be alone

You know that I see too many romantic dreams
Up in lights, falling off the silver screen

My heart's like an open book
for the whole world to read
Sometimes nothing keeps me together at the seams

-home sweet home

i spoke too soon.

&the beauty.

2:36 PM

Why does tonight have to end
Why dont we hit restart and pause it at our favourite part.

-matchbook romance, tiger lily.

If i have to pause our moments last night, I would pause it at the part when you said, " the love is coming back." That was, still is, a happy moment.

It seems to start all over again. The love. Feels like first time again.

&the beauty.

2:12 PM

I cleared out my storeroom and I found traces of my past in it. More specifically, my yearbooks, certificates, pictures, diaries, report books etc. I had totally forgotten about them. But now looking at them again, it brought a wave of nostalgia and I missed those times. Especially when yesterday, I kept bumping into my tkgs buddies who appeared at different moments. that was weird. But it was lovely to see them again.

I've learnt a few things from my encounter with naddy yest. That I should be independent and not depend on anybody. That I should learn not to give up and fight for my own happiness.

And that I could count on my friends to be in my support group and make me feel a whole lot better. And for that I thank you.

Ooh. Friday. Sentosa. Lilbitch. ciggies. e33. bikinis. tanning. bitching. Bliss.

&the beauty.

4:21 PM

i used to be like a princess with all the priviliges. With her prince charming by her side, catering to all her needs and unreasonable demands.

Now i realised i've lost it all.

The art of forgiveness. I'm still trying to learn that.

Dont speak
I know just what you saying
So Please stop explaining
Dont speak
I know what you thinking
i dont need your reasons
Dont tell me cause it hurts.

&the beauty.

9:50 PM

the world crashes down on me yet again.

I have never believed in happy ending. And now, I will never believe in it.

Happy endings are bullshit. They rarely happen and even if they do, the happiness will be short lived. Personally, it has never happen to me. Maybe being in this kind of world that I'm in plays a part but still, I've been thrown shit after shit of problems and I'm now too tired to handle it.

And let me ask you, how the hell are you suppose to handle it when the love of your life throws in the towel and give up. When you keep on saying the wrong things at the wrong time and it just gets in the way. When you feel like there's no more worse feeling than being misunderstood. No matter how many times you tried holding back your emotions, it will still bring you down. Worse than ever.

Like I said, there is no happy ending. Never.

&the beauty.

10:18 PM

lil bitch.

please take me away from the madness of this society.

lets go somewhere to chill. smoke. bitch about how much we love our gfs.

i'll provide the cigs. you provide the hot stories.

oritey mama? give me a call.

&the beauty.

10:08 PM

It started to change. ANd boy i do hate changes.

Things happened for a reason. I always think of that. The fight that we had the other time didnt, couldnt go away for some reason.

The awkwardness and tension between us is still there. Talking on the phone at night seems to be a routine and not a desire. I find myself trying hard to please you which in the end just seems fake. And saying those 3 words seems to be an assurance as to how you feel about me. And yet sometimes I doubt it. Time has yet again made me paranoid and doubtful, unsure of my words, actions and myself.

But still I refused to give up. I couldnt give up all these months just because I am doubtful or that I think she doesnt love me anymore. I refused to give up because I still love you. And care for you. And still think that you're the best. And I'm sure that we can work things out in the end. We always do.

I just simply refuse to give up. Couldnt, wouldnt, shouldnt.

&the beauty.

10:28 PM

ooh. i'm bored. I'm waiting for her to come back home from work so here I am talking nonsense on this crappy blog of mine.

I recounted something just now and it was on that day me, dee, nad and remy were at boat quay coffee bean on the pretense of studying. We didnt of course. I remembered getting rich, smooth dark chocs for my anni that day and I shared it with everybody else except for Nad [since she's too picky that there's emulsifier in it] Anyway, remy was commenting that if you drink coke light right after you eat the choc, you will get some sort of strawberry aftertaste. And it kinda cracked me up because I thought she was crapping like her usual self, I was even thinking how absurb it is. [No offense, remy]

So being me, I tried it. And I choke on it. Big time. I was contemplating on whether to force it to swallow or try to spit it out or get it out through my nose. Of course, choking doesnt make you think rationally. And there I was, coughing, spluttering, trying to breathe and laughing at the same time. It was definitely horrendous, not to mention the fact that no one tried helping me.

The scene goes like this:
Me: *spluttering, coughing, wheezing, laughing*
Dee: "Nad, this is all your fault." [I dont know where she got that idea]
Nad: "Why me?"
Remy: "Betulkan ada strawberry?"
Dee: "Somebody do something"
Nad: *Hitting me on my hips*
Remy: "Got strawberry rite?"

After managing to calm myself down,
me: Yeah got taste like strawberry. *amazed*

So people, the moral of this story is Dark choc+coke light= strawberry aftertaste.

P.s: See, i'm crapping again.

&the beauty.

5:25 PM

Oh god. I am such a control freak. I got jealous over little little fucking stuffs. And I hate how it made me feel so bitter. And so hard hearted. And how it hurts so much when things doesnt go my way. I'm an egoistic person, someone who wants things to be done exactly the way I picture it. Someone who say things that just popped out in her mind, just to create more drama and controversy. I'm irritated and pissed, knowing that I have all these flaws in me. And yet I seriously wants to change and be a better person. But its so hard when I have been stereotyped as someone who will never learn. So what the hell am I suppose to do now? I need her to help me get out of this mess. But she hates me for all these flaws that I have.

It definitely sucks. How things you have planned oh so perfectly well turned disastrous. How the words you said out of impulsiveness turns up to haunt you. How the hurt that you've caused other people to come back and hurt you in the end. How your hatred and love got mixed up and in the end, its you who suffered.

In the end it all boils down to you. And you. Just you.

&the beauty.

5:20 PM

I was bored at home. Doing practically nothing so i took a few test and one of them was a jealousy test.

And according to it, I am 57.14% jealous. The average percentage was 35.54%.

Its supposed to mean:

You exhibit many jealousy traits.
You are prone to over react.
Although your jealousy are not a real problem, you should try to control it more often.
Things aren't often as bad as you think.

Hmm. There's truth in that.

&the beauty.

12:39 PM

hello world.

I'm pissed at you.

At everyone.

Definitely at myself. For letting myself care.

I do impulsive things that I ought to smack myself in the head. My heart pang at the sheer absurdity of the situation. I wanted it so much and yet i'm still running after her. Aint that stupid. Very.

And now i'm all alone eating pringles. While my idiotic younger bro going out to have a social life. Maybe I should join him.

On the other hand, i would rather be alone.

&the beauty.

11:35 PM

Truth. Its so hard to learn a new fact about yourself. Especially if its a bad one. And when you hear it repeatedly from someone who you love so much, that is some kind of a nightmare. And then it will make you feel like an arsehole, which probably you are.

I am an arsehole.

&the beauty.

9:41 PM

I'm going ubin. Tomorrow. I know what you guys thinking.

"What? Shaf gonna go ubin again? The last time she was there, she got paranoid and thought that a dog was chasing her when actually it was running beside her. And the countless of times she had to stop for water breaks. Not to mention the fact that durians actually could sidetracked her."

This time around, its gonna be different. I'll only go with her.

But I still want the durians though.

&the beauty.

11:19 PM

You love me.
No matter how many lies. Or shits.

No matter how rude or attitudinal i was.
No matter how many times i made you cry
or fucked up.
No matter what kind of person i am.

i'm more than lucky to have you.
I should count my lucky stars.

&the beauty.

3:03 PM

It started as a dull throbbing in my ear. which later on became a painful dull throbbing. And now it spread to my neck making it stiff. Oh hell. But yeah i'm gonna stick with it.

On a brighter note, i've finally went with her to Jb yesterday and it was damn fun. We arrived there 4 plus after waiting for hours for *something*. I am the type of old fashioned scaredy girl who gets terrified if she went to another country with someone else who is not her blood relative. So being the typical me, i literally clung to her all the way. I got to watch the movie, "Gubra" but didnt catch the ending cause its too cold and we left. Hello, i was wrapped in the jeans that she brought with her. Not sweater people, but jeans. Watching a movie there is like watching in antarctica buck naked. There's no other words to explain the cold situation in the theatre.

I.finally.got.to.eat.kennyrogers. After years of not eating there. And it literally liven up my tastebuds. Dee was definitely fascinated, not to mention full, just by watching me eat. And yes people, I use my fingers. Not those knife and fork that Dee daintily uses. hee.

Citysquare is littered with lesbians and one even came up to Dee. *Come to me people if you want the story.* And the mall is full of goodies to die for. Like the blazer. Slippers. Shoes. Bags. Food. Tees. yeah get the picture. And i'm so gonna go there again and shop till i drop.

Drop with those shopping bags of course.

oho. we going shopping with 900ringgits rite deebaby. sweet.

&the beauty.

10:06 PM

love is in the air.
I got chocs from candy empire.
great or wad?

Happy anni again.

oh bintang di surga
berikan cerita
dan kasih yang setia
dan cahaya yang nyata

&the beauty.

12:43 PM

I wanna love
I want a fire
to feel the burn
of my desires
I wanna man by my side
not a boy who runs and hide.
Are you gonna fight for me?
Die for me?
Live and breathe for me?
Do you care for me?
Cause if you dont, just leave.

&the beauty.

11:21 PM

oh so damn sweet day.

firstly i was damn late for my exam. I strolled into the examination hall [my seat was a long fweakin way upfront] twenty minutes after the exam had commenced, all because I need to freaking use the toilet. I was in the bus when the pain in my stomach attacked me full force and I was even toying with the idea of dropping halfway nearby any malls to use the toilet. But nah i didnt. I waited till i was in school.

I met her after school to follow her go cut hair. and moments after that were totally great. I finally pierced my ear. [again] We went to eat. And we shopped like hell. There were bag, earrings, necklace, tees etc that we bought. And we couldnt stop our itchy hands from grabbing anything and ka-ching, the money's gone.

But what happened next was the best, we were walking at the underpass and the musicians there played a song especially for me and her. And it was so cute, funny and ohsosweet. It even made me sorta blush.

and yeah, it made us lovey dovey too.

Pure choc from coffeen bean was lipsmacking delicious. Games of shithead plain irritating and crappy. Studying for like 2 lines of biology. Cups of noodles eaten by the riverside with coke light, cigs and great company are definitely the greatest.

&the beauty.

1:34 PM

ooh. its a strike.

i feel like i have an incurable disease in this house which leads to the fact that no one is talking to me at home. Basically my parents hate me and wont talk to me coz i'm with her.

But hey, i cant leave her. Not now. Not ever.

I'm moving out. ANd on.

&the beauty.