you're a mystery yourself

Wednesday, August 31, 2005

10:10 PM

Baby i see you working hard
Wanna let u know dat i'm proud
Let you know dat i admire wad you do
The more if i need to reassure you,
my life would be purposeless without you
If I want it, I got it
When i ask you, you provide it
You inspire me to be better
You challenge me for e better

&the beauty.

10:44 PM

My girl.

I received a msg from Nadiah Begum askin me to go back to tkgs for teacher's day. My first thinkin was, "Wad da hell". It was a school full of unforgettable memories. I still laughed out loud jus thinking abt it. In fact, i'm laughin out loud now. Haha. I miss those times like hell. Those slenge bacin days.

Those Npcc days.
E picnic in class.
E remedial literature wif nad n azzah.
Eatin prata wif nad early in e mornin.
E sch callin me, nad n suez when we didnt turn up for skool.
Eatin durin recess time wif e rest of the gang.
e studying durin O levels.
Esplanade thingy after O levels.
And climbing over e sch gate in e wee hours durin camp. Rmbr nad? How u had to squeeze ur boobs? haha.

I really, really, super duper miss them. I wish i could go back to those moments.
And live it all over again.

&the beauty.

10:25 PM

Its sad when suddenly someone who u knew for 2 years suddenly turn their back on you. Especially when u thot dat e person will not do such thing.
Was i blinded by e illusion dat u will be there for me?
In jus a short time, we've become strangers.
We no longer shared anything.
We even had nothin to talk abt durin our meetings or conversation.
You were a part of me n now, i've lost it.
You said i've changed. Maybe i did.

We had shared a lot.
You were 1 of e few ppl who know me e best.
Who knew my every smile, my every frown, my every tear.
We had shared our deepest, darkest secrets n desires.
My life used to revolve ard u.
We vowed to never let anything, anyone or situation
to break us apart.
And yet, it all falls apart.
Its hard to recover e chemistry dat we had last time.
But i never ever wan to lose u as my fren.

&the beauty.

2:48 PM

I'm loving every moment of my life. It seems dat every little detail of life could jus put a smile onto my face. For example, me sittin in e bus, lookin at e clouds as they pass by n smilin to myself n occasional laughin out loud. Aint dat pyschotic. Hell yeah.

12 hours. Dat is e minimum amt of time i spent wif her last thursday. It was a whole day affair n boy, i love it. I went over her house early in e mornin, bought breakfast for us. We cuddled up in bed, n talked etc. I cant believe we fell asleep in each other's arms. I'm e type of person who have a hard time sleepin at other ppl's home coz i'm jus not comfortable. But its different wif her, i jus fell asleep quite comfortably. When her sister came home, we ended up orderin Mac, lazin on e couch watchin tv, jus the three of us. At dat moment, it feels as tho dat was our house and dat i was living wif her but of coz, its jus too good to be true n yeah reality came crashin down on me. We went out shoppin after dat at peninsula n ate at pastamania. Everythin we did was on impulse. Esp e Queens part. I jus love spendin every min wif her.

I went out wif nad yesterday. We went to ecp, jus e two of us. Nad's sisterinlaw came by later. Me n nad were jus so crappy, got high, swam, gossip n basically jus act so stupid. But yeah, it was a great time. Cant wait to have a next time. *grinz*

Anyway, i'm so bored rite now at home doing nothin. I know i should be studyin rite now but i'm jus plain lazy. I know i shouldnt take it for granted dat i'll pass my modules dis time round. Well, i'll jus go wif the flow. Sheesh.

&the beauty.

10:36 PM

Dee's concept.
Dat is a phrase dat nad say when she saw me.
And you guys surely wonderin why e heck did she say dat.
Well ppl, i guess its coz nowadays i seem to dress up either like dee or wear her tee.
Dee happen to left her tshirts wif me and in den, i ended up wearin it to skool.
Haha.. it is kinda funny for me to wear her baggy shirt but
i love it.
Why?
COz it got her smell on it n whenever i smell it, i'll get reminded of her which makes me miss her even more. I know i probably look like a psycho tryin to smell my own shirt when i'm waitin for e bus or queuin up for food etc but who cares. And yeah it is kinda complicated so i wont elaborate on it.
BUt e conclusion is, i'm going thru a phase which is call dee's concept. Hee.

I'm jus feelin bored rite now, not doing anything much except for eatin dessert n sippin ice cold water. My skin itch, my nose runny, i'm feelin restless n oh yeah my butt hurts. Missin her but she's doing her project. Speakin of project, i've to start on my projects which are due soon, not forgettin i have to study like maddd, since pract test, theory test, assessment skills all comin up. Damn. Now i feel as tho i'm being bombarded by e pressure of wanting to do well. I wan to prove to ppl dat no matter how i slack at skool, n no matter how i skip classes or couldnt be bothered to attend dem, dat i still could make it.
I do have e determination. Err.. yeah.

&the beauty.

3:17 PM

These few days have been such the emotional rollercoaster ride. We fought a lot but i think somehow e fightin brought us closer n made us realise how we need each other n how we're impt to each other.

Now dat i've started back skoolin, i seem to be wif her every single day. We met every single day, either meet for breakfast, lunch or go out together etc. We went to watch movie on both Thurs n Fri. I'm happy jus spendin time wif her, we could be jus sittin ard, readin book but still i'll be contented.

Every little moment spend wif u, its worth it.

"Why does tonight have to end
Why dont we hit restart and
pause it at our favorite parts,
We'll skip e goodbyes.
If i had it my way,
i'd turn e car around and runaway,
jus u and i. "

-tiger lily.

&the beauty.

11:06 PM

You jus asked me to f*** off.
Jus coz i couldnt come down tmr.
I'm hurt when you say all dat.
As tho i have no feelings of my own.
I'm no dog of yours.

&the beauty.

10:15 PM

Yesterday was jus oh so wonderful to me.

It was e first day of skool afta e attachment.
She fetch me from my house early in e mornin,
den we went to eat bfast at mac.
It was still too early to go skool,
so we ended up playin pool at ang mo kio.
At dat moment of time, i could feel dat i'm gonna get sick again.
Dis kind of feelin surely accurate.
N yeah, i got sick again.

Its so not a great feelin to be sick.
U could feel e heat emitting out of me.
I had a freakin headache n my bone felt as tho it was breakin.
In e end, i only went for e first 2 hrs of my lesson.
She wanted to bring me to see a doctor but i didnt wan.
SO i ended up going her house.
She took care of me all e way.

She was considerate of my feelings,
held my hand,
carried my bag,
bought me food n milk when i requested for it.
She fed me medicine,
tuck me in her bed,
and was at my beck n call.
I felt so pampered n loved,
and its really oh so wonderful.

&the beauty.

2:29 PM

i tried to be perfect
But nothing was worth it.
I dun believe it makes me real.
I thought it would be easy
But no one believes me.
I meant all the things i said.

i tried to be perfect
Its jus wasnt worth it
Nothing could ever be so wrong.
Its hard to believe me
It never gets easy.
I guess i knew dat all along.

&the beauty.

12:58 PM

Yoohoo.

Yeay. i'm back to bloggin after long time of disappearance.
Dis past week have been torturous for me. I have been seriusly ill for e past 3 -4 days. I didnt even go to work on Friday n now i have to make up for it. My temp was above 39 degrees, my whole body was achin, i cough like one crazy wheezin fella. Been jus sleepin/eatin med/sleepin/eatin med etc. I dun think i even bath much. Hee. Jus didnt have e strength to do it.. Now feel so much better n yeah, i've bathed already.

I've been fightin wif 2 of e most impt ppl in my life n its jus too much to handle. First it was wif my mom, abt some soccer stuff n but now everythin okay already. I also fought wif her, but glad everythin work out now. Makes me realise jus how impt she is to me and how much i need her in my life to bring me down whenever necessary and to pull me back up when i'm fallin apart. I'm glad dat attachment finished n dat i'm going back to school so dat i can meet her always. Yeay!

E other day after work, i met NADIAH BEGUM!!! ARGHH!! i miss her like crazy.. even tho we only met awhile, we did get to catch up on our lives n yeah, i miss those tkgs days too. Days when every single day we spend time wif each other. I remember those times we had to copy each other's work, and dat we cheated every year on Napfa.. haha.. Now i feel like cryin gettin sentimental abt e past.. n i realise dat our lives have changed a lot ever since tkgs days.. You were always there for me, you supported me n defended me no matter wad crazy shit/trouble i got myself into. I knew i could count on u anytime. Even till today. And you know, i'm always here for you. Cant wait to meet up wif you again.

&the beauty.

11:25 PM

I can neva be a good gf. Seriusly.
There's always smtg lacking in me. E way i treat my gfs maybe.
I tried to be the best for dem but in e end, it still doesnt work out.
My ego tried to console myself by saying dat it wasnt my fault but now, i have to admit dat some of e mistakes were made by me. I also dunno why i'm saying all dis since its a waste of time. Mistakes are made to be learn. So here i am learnin. Maybe one day, i'll be in a r/s where everythin is okay but.... there's no such thing as an ok r/s. Watever la. i'm babblin.

i'm stress n tired. Very tired. All dis thing is drainin out all my energy. I dun wan to keep thinkin bout u n her or even abt us. I'm already tired at work n now at hm, i'm either stressed out by my parents bout my life or money, n in my head there's u.

I'm glad i have my frens surroundin me, givin me support whenever i need. I so need dem in my life rite now, to bang me on my head when i do smtg stupid, to pull me up when i fall apart, to still love me even tho i'm damn irritatin/attitude/superhyper/lame etc. Love you guys a lot.

Btw lil bitch, i'm so jealous u got to go hard rock!! Fuckerneneh. Haha.. remember me when u're grinding wif other butches. Sheesh.

&the beauty.

12:39 AM

Dee came over my house yest. And it was a rare moment. Coz i've never ever brought a butch to meet my parents. It was kinda disastrous. Dee baby, sorry ya! And they thot she's my gf. E topic of lesbianism came up again. its such a friggin bother. Fuckerneneh.

Why cant they let me live my own life? Why cant i choose my own frens?
I've been e daughter they always wanted. E best that they ever will have.
And of coz I keep reminding them dat. Watever la. But at least by bringin dee home, i'm already showing dem that i do mix ard wif butches. Its one step to opening up. Yeah.

I'm still at hm, still haven bath. EEw. disgusto. Fetchin nad from work later den meet up ppl to go play pool.. woohoo!! best nyer. I've becomin more boring lately.

oklah gtg. nak bath!!!

&the beauty.

10:40 PM

my body aching.
Like mad.
My shoulders hurt.
My back in pain.
All coz of too much bendin down.

i'm seriusly an asset to e ward.
Without me, i wonder how they cope.
Hee. But its true!
Yeay. Meetin naddy tmr..
i'm so missin her la n she owe me a pressie.

i need to find a freakin job. ohman.

&the beauty.

10:17 PM

Seems jus like yesterday
You were a part of me
I used to stand so tall
I used to be so strong
Your arms around me tight
Everything felt so right
Unbreakable like nothing can go wrong
Now i cant breathe
No i cant sleep
i'm barely hanging on

I told u everything
opened up and let u in
You made me feel alright
for once in my life
Now all dats left of me
is wad i pretend to be
Sewn together but broken up inside

Here i am once again
i'm torn into pieces
cant deny
cant pretend
thought u were e one
Broken up deep inside
But u wont get to see e tears i cry
behind these hazel eyesl

&the beauty.

10:45 PM

i'm tired.

so freakin tired.

i cant open my eyes.

i'm fallin asleep on dis chair.

attachment sucks like hell but at least i do have fun there.

my ear throbbin coz i jus pierced it.

menses cramp sucks.

i seriusly ought to sleep. Now.

&the beauty.