you're a mystery yourself
My mom's weird. End of topic.
She has this knack in msging me [at the moment that I was doing smtg wrong, illegal or just plain stupid], about how I'm suppose to be changing for the better and become a role model to my siblings. That is just too freaky.This past week, almost every day, she'll wake me up in the morning by lecturing while I doze in and out of sleep. The previous day was about smoking, the day before yesterday was about lesbianism and there were times when the topic was about how my room is so smelly and stuffy or how i'm looking like a skeleton due to lack of sleep. And today's topic was about the year 2006. About how i'm suppose to change for the better etc. And again I tuned it all out. But then again... it made me think.
I've always been someone in the background. I wasnt interested in anything much. I didnt bother to busy myself with extracurricular activities because to me, it was just something that I didnt wish to indulge myself in. Actually I'm just having problems commiting myself to doing things. I had too much free time on my hands. And now when I think back, i realise that I didnt achieve anything worth mentioning about. For eg. My brother was a prefect, a student leader, a representative of his school not to mention the leader of his boy scouts. I had achieved totally zero, zilch, nada. And that making me depress. Not really. Kinda. A bit. Actually, a whole lot.
So I made another resolution. And that is by the end of 2006, I would like to achieve something that will make everyone Ooh and ahh, that will make me feel proud of myself and for once, I wont be in the background. I want to find something that I feel passion for.
And that something, when I find it, I'll tell you guys.
As for now, I'm just commited to her.
&the beauty.
I've just checked it. The timetable has came through. Which means yay, i'm going to school next week.
2005. It has been a most hectic year. Many things had happened. Friendships were lost. Relationships sprung up. Fights broken up, battles were lost and won. Trust was broken and hearts were mended. Heated words were exchanged, bitter memories still in our minds. Laughter and tears will surely be remembered. I've lost my loved ones and yet I gain new ones. But one thing for sure, I'll never regret the things that I do. Because I know that things happen for a reason, may it be good or bad. Damn, now i sound like a preacher. This is the time that I should be making new year resolutions but heck, i wouldnt even follow it. So I guess my only resolution for the upcoming year is to just go with the flow and be contented with what I have.
I dont need much. All I need is you and my loved ones.
&the beauty.
aint it a bitchified affair.
I'm now at her house, listening to some punk rawk songs which is absolutely deafening and not my style but yeah she insisted on it. She's looking thru her wardrobe trying to find smtg decent to wear. And shes huggin me now so i dont know wat to type. Haha. Coz of course my mind had limited resources which means i cant multitask. We intended to go JB but I think i misplaced my passport. There goes one more identification missing.
It was fate. Last sat, i had an overnight thingy with my entire family, aunts, uncles etc. I reached the place after midnight. Well, I didnt realise that in the whole entire pasir ris park, my tents would be pitched beside edd and her frens. That is seriously a freaky coincidence. And I had prayed that I wouldnt have to meet them. So imagine my shocked face and jaw drop when i saw edd beside my tent. Haha. She was jaw dropping too. But everything went okay and we even had a civilized talk. Well, i do miss her.
Cant wait to go school next week. Vowing to be a more studious person. Not. Haha. The prince went to bath already so the princess here have to clean the room.
&the beauty.
The news bulletin has just came through. Its official. I do not have a social life, may i repeat, that I do not have a social life. I've been too busy working that I dont have time for anything, not even her. Well all that will change once i've started back school, IF i'm starting back school. What a bloody mess.
Fark it. I've been on a hiatus too long that my brain cant function well to blog.
Oh well. Some other time den.
&the beauty.
Nobody gonna love me better,
I must stick with you forever.
Nobody gonna take me higher,
I must stick with you.
So dont you worry about people
hanging around,
they aint bringing us down.
You know me, and I know you.
That's all counts.
&the beauty.
Bob. I kept uttering his name just now. In fact, I even screamed it.
I had a date with him. So did 50 other little kids.
Bob the builder. Blue overalls. Cute contractor hat. Always with his tools at his waist. Heh.
Mom made all of us go to see Bob the builder, since her precious baby loves the show. We didnt protest. So far its been numerous kiddie shows that we went to. Barney, Power rangers, Garfield, Bob the builer... just to name a few. What I didnt expect was for me to get excited about it too. The only explanation was that my childhood got deprived of it.
So there I was shouting along with the other kids. With much gusto. And the hand movements."Bob the builder, can we fix it?" and, "Bob the builder yes we can."
After that, the show just got boring since looking for food was a much more important thing to pursue.
&the beauty.
I put my foot in my mouth. Not literally.
I always seem to say the wrong things at the wrong time. It just seems to be part of me. And no matter how much I want to change, I couldnt. The words will just come tumbling out of my mouth without me realising it. Like as though I dont think before I speak and I think that's actually true. Hah. For eg. My mom didnt want my kaypo aunt to know about something [I'm still not suppose to talk abt it] and yet there I am blabbing to my aunt about it, while my mom trying to signal for me to shut up. I just cant keep my mouth shut. Disaster always happen when I open my goddamn bloody mouth.
I'm a katak bawah cupboard or even a cicak behind cupboard. Which is her version of katak bawah tempurung. Compare to her, I feel like I'm the kampong girl and she's the city chick. She knows more stuff than me, I'm like so honestly naive. She rolled her eyes and laugh outright and
even got shock sometimes when I dont know things. Like for eg. I didnt know the brand bag krumpler till she told me, coz I thought it was called krueger. And I didnt know the group name wicked aura till she told me. I dont even know how to get to places in orchard without her directing me. See how helpless the kampong girl is.
And she said, "Despite all that, I still love you." That's enough for me. :]
And now, I have to get ready to go out with my family. To watch Bob the builder. Uhuh. Dont even say a word.
&the beauty.
It was an achievement day for me.
Firstly i finally finished all my supp papers which takes a whole load off my mind. Now I can just sit back and read books all day long thanks to my darling zeez.
Me and her went to do something new and unsual today. And that is to go skateboarding. Can you even believe it? Me + skateboarding = total uncoordinated behaviour. Haha. I carried the skateboard around, under my arm and people are like giving me stares, thinking in their head, "Ohmygod, this girl skate??!!" I'm so sure i'm not the type of girl they have in mind when it comes to skateboarding. Uhuh. She taught me how to skate. She was even patient about it. Haha. That's a joke honey. I practised quite hard in getting the moves right and I was so freaking happy, not to mention proud when i actually didnt fall from the skateboard. It actually moved! It was a very ohmygod-i-can-skate moment that I cant wipe the grin off from my face.
We ended up playing bowling much later. This was something we had wanted to do since the other day. Being the kiasu people that we are, we waited outside the bowling place 20 mins before the place was actually open to public. We were like literally rite outside the door, eager to demonstrate our powers. Of course, she was better then me. -pouts-
Spending time with her just seems too good to be true. Parting with her becomes harder and harder. Cant wait till the next time i meet her.
[youmeltmyheart]
&the beauty.
I'm an irritable person rite now. I cant sleep. I'm fidgeting and just being plain restless. Not to mention being sleep deprived. I feel something is missing. SOmething is wrong with my life. Feel like the weight of the world on my shoulders. I feel like I have too much responsibility to keep up to and I just cant take it. I lay awake at night thinking of solutions to my problems. I even felt like being alone. And seriously alone, like no social life, no r/s or friendships. Just leave everything behind and be someone else, do something else. I'm just not strong enough to do it. I'm just being crappy, emotional etc. Forget about it.
I'm.just.losing.my.mind.
&the beauty.
I'm often got misunderstood.
I always say the wrong things at the wrong time.
Always putting my foot in my mouth.
Its a never ending cycle. Never ending learning.
I'm totally sick of it. Sick of those harsh words. Sick of those feelings that made me easily angry and nauseated with myself. For having no backbone to stand up for my right.
It even made me think do i have a right?
&the beauty.
I did something weird whenever I have holidays. And that is to wake up everyday ard 6am so that I can laugh at not having to go to school or work, and go back to sleep with a smug look on my face. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is pure madness. Yet I keep doing it without fail. MUahah.
Today was a back-to-the-cavemen day. My family opted out to go to my aunt's place and leave me alone with my forever-sleeping-dad. I guess my mom did try to warn me this morning before she go off but all i could hear was "mumble Mumble, electricity mumble". Coz i was still in dreamland and had a pillow covering my ears. The thing is, today 06 .12.2005, the electricity in the house will be cut off from 9am-6pm due to some renovation thingy. I had totally forgotten about it. In the end i woke up because my fan had mysteriously switched off by itself and I got hot and bothered in bed, tangled up with zillions of pillows. I went to every power outlet in my house only to find it not working. All I could be thankful for was that they didnt cut off the water supply. Just imagine, ME, sweaty and smelly, without air circulating in the house. Ergh. I went to the kitchen to fix myself breakfast and realised that I couldnt boil water to make milo. I couldnt on the fan to make the house less stuffy. In the end, i opened all the windows in the house, thank god i live on the highest level. I couldnt entertain myself with watching tv, playing comp or even hearing to radio. It was a blessing in disguise actually since it made me concentrated more on studying. And I gobbled up a whole tub of ice cream since the fridge also not working and I took it upon my duty to finish it up. It was definitely a happy moment when all the fans in the house suddenly came back alive which means ITS back. I almost collapsed with relief. Exaggerated.
Electricity is something you should be grateful for. We, the modern generation have taken electricity for granted. Electricity, I thank thee for making my life oh so much easier. And less hotter.
&the beauty.
Ohmygod. An ordeal.
And I thought that it was over. That I didnt have to do supp paper but now I have to study all over again. My paper's tmr and I dont even have an ounce of confidence. It seems that when I failed the first one, I just cant believe it since I thought I did study so now even though I'm cramming my brains with info, I'm confident that I wouldnt be able to make it. Talk about being traumatised.
Zeez tagged at my blog asking me to play dis game which is when ppl tag you [in my case, zeez], you have to go to the person's blog and read it, thus they will explain to you about the rules of the game which is to reveal 5 random facts about yourself and then you have to tag 5 ppl to read your blog and the game continues. =] Well, something's wrong with my comp since i'm not able to tag ppl so I failed in my duty to continue on the game [damn, another failure]. Anyway, i shall just say 5 random facts about me.
5 freaking random facts
- I irritate the hell out of people.
- I definately say the wrong things at the wrong time.
- When I was young, i used to have an imaginary friend.
- I can trip over my own feet. [And that's an achievement]
- I hate walnut cookies.
That's all for now. Have to go back to studying. This time around, i'm fully armed with tea, milo, chocolates, nibble thingy etc. My comfort foods.
&the beauty.
What a day.
Life's not fair. It makes you suffer then bring you up to the clouds to just crash you back down again. That is what I felt just now. When you really really misses that someone, you cant wait to meet her. Time seems to pass even more slowly when you're about to meet her. In your mind, you formulate a plan on what the things you gonna do, what you gonna wear etc. I was so excited and yet when i finally met her, everything just doesnt go our way. We were totally bored out of our minds. Like seriously. Our tempers were so quick to rise and that makes us have a higher risk of getting into fights. Some things happen and we finally were able to talk it out.
At least I have her in my life, no matter how shitified it is.
&the beauty.
It was a night of angst, tormention, sadness and all other unfathomable feelings that I cant describe. I dont know how it could go so wrong. We could fight about every single thing under the sun. It could start from a single harmless sentence to a full blown arguement. And that seriously sucks. I wouldnt want to spend my time arguing with you and having deadly fights with you and that is simply because I love you. And also erm, I cant handle our fights. It will just end up with tears and desperataion. I am so very much in love with you. And like i said, i wouldnt want to leave you. We have our future to think of. Love you. No matter wad.
On to more livelier things.
The youngest child in the family is a pampered brat. And no, i'm not talking about myself. My baby bro is not even 3 years old and he gets whatever he wants. Yet maybe he gets what he wants due to the fact that he's still a baby. *ponders* Uhuh. Whatever it is, I still want to complain. Every single time, we as a family go out, he always have to buy something to bring home. Its not those cheap type of toys which you can just bribe a small kid but he expects you to fork out 10 bucks just for a small teeny wheeny car. ANd may i add that he has a whole collection of cars stored in my room [Dont ask me why its there]. Not to mention he has the store filled with his precious soccer balls in all ranges of colours, sizes and shapes. He gets his way all the time by whining and screeching. And yet I love him with all my heart. He could just make my day. The way he sweetly smile at you and feed you his half eaten food. The way he stand beside my bed waiting for me to wake up.
Oooh. I just have so much love to go around.
&the beauty.
I'm bored. Period.
I know I should be studying for my much dreaded supp papers but like I said, i felt as though there's no motivation. I do not have the confidence to pass it which makes me even more lazy. To open the book itself is very depressing. And my head throb with every word that I read. Liar liar pants on fire!
Speaking of lies, it will just come back and bite you on your skinny ass. I read Nad's recent post about the past getting unburied and I have to agree with it. There's no point in lying to anyone coz in the end the truth will reveal itself. And I am definately speaking from experience. We do things according to our heart, we follow our passion and didnt bother about the consequences until much later. That is a very super stupid thing to do. Honestly are you even willing to risk everything for the sake of a moment's pleasure? We will say no of course but yet we keep doing it. Why? For the thrill? the adrenalin rush? the pitter patter of your heart as it beats faster? I would say bullshit but yet again, we keep doing it. These kind of lessons are never learn.
Before I start being all philosophical and naggy, lets hit those books.
&the beauty.
It always happens this way. Whenever i feel like blogging, i wouldnt know what to blog about. But when i'm bored, sentences are easily formed inside my head and my fingers will be typing away at the keyboard trying to keep up. For example like now.
I'm sure you are wondering why the heck i'm so free to blog since usually i will be either too tired or too lazy but hey, today's your lucky day since i didnt go to work which makes me free to fill up these empty spaces with words. I woke up late. To be exact I woke up at 7am when i should be at work at 7am. Imagine my bewildered face when i woke up to find sunlight streaming in my window. Sunlight streaming in my window - that is a no no. It means i'm too late to go work. So i ended up taking mc and just sleeping at home but i have to make up on Sat, that is the price i have to pay. I so cant wait for december to come. It means making money, having fun and getting drunk. Two more days till the end of a month long attachment.
Anger.
That word is so full of evil. Have you been so angry that you feel as though you would burst? Have you been so angry that you feel like killing the person who made you angry? Have you been so angry that you say stuff that hurts other people? Have you been so angry that you vented your anger on other people? I might have done that, i dont know. Sometimes people get carried away with their emotions and when they do get carried away, things will happen. Bad things. Things which will make you regret. People make you angry, make you feel so frustrated and your blood boils, but so what? Does that give you the right to physically violate them? Does that means you can bring them down and make them feel like shit? Yes you might say that they deserve it but i've always believed not to stoop as low as them. Believe in karma.
I've read somewhere that the instinctive way to express anger is to respond aggressively, that it inspires powerful, often aggressive, feelings and behaviours. Yet we cant physically lash out at every person who irritates or annoys us. "People who are constantly putting others down, criticizing everything and making cynical comments haven't learn how to constructively express their anger. Not suprisingly, they are not likely to have successful relationships." I do not wish for you to suppress your anger but on the other hand, i do not condone ur behaviour. I dont wish for you to turn out like that. I guess I do have a part to play in making you so angry sometimes. But we have to change. You know that.
I want to help you the best way i could. Coz i care for you and i love you. You have to let me help you. I know together we can control it. This post is not meant for you to get angry at me, i'm not mocking you or trying to get back at you.
I just want to make my feelings known.
&the beauty.
