you're a mystery yourself
Oooh. I'm so goddamn happy.
Why?
Because she promised me a treat this thursday. A movie date to be exact. And its making me grin from ear to ear. My cheeks kinda starting to hurt but it wont damper my spirits. Its been too long since i've last spend real quality time with her.
I'm going on a date. Double woohoo.
Its so simple to make me so happy and contented. *grinz*
&the beauty.
I miss her. I miss her. I miss her. I miss her.
Its my new mantra.
I can go crazy waiting for her every msg, every call.
And not a day goes by that I never thought of her.
Can we please pack up our stuffs and live together? Pretty please.
nad, I need those adrenalin back. The laughter and crappiness. The drinking sessions. The bitchified sessions. The last min plan which is definitely not approved by dee.
Those were the days. Long gone.
&the beauty.
My mom's scaring me. She's been watching too much of Mr Bean's retarded-but-hilarious antics. My baby bro was supposed to be watching it but it turns out that my mom was far engrossed in it then my bro was. I think its some sort of childhood deprive thingy.
Its confirmed, people. I'm a sicko. As in not those pervertic sickos but as in physically sick sickos. I'm confusing myself too. I've been losing my appetite nowadays and keep vomiting but with no substance coming out. First, it was the sore eyes and now its the vomiting. If this carries on, I'll be as thin as a stick. Which I wouldnt mind. But that would mean I wouldnt have any ass.
Oooh. I feel so bored. Nothing to entertain me. No one to entertain me too. Nowadays, she's too busy working. I had wanted to go back to work too but she wouldnt allow. And i'm supposed to act my role as the rich tai tai. But I feel so bored and lonely. My bitches are busy with their own lives and I have no one that she approves of hanging out with me. Its not that i want to complain about how neglected I feel but just that I dont seem to meet her enough. It has always been studies/work/soccer/family that had separate me from her.
Oh god. I miss her damn much. Never felt this way before.
Its time for me to find my own passion right.
Rock climbing? No. Swimming? I'll drown. Kick-boxing? No money. Dancing? Only in clubs. Stamp collecting? You're out of your mind.
Maybe for now, i'll stick to studying.
&the beauty.
I got a feeling that today is the day of all guilt.
Its already the 4th or 5th week of school and yet my books are still in the locker, untouched. I'm in self denial coz no matter how many times I tell myself to get those goddamned books out of the locker, it doesnt seem to be moving. And the projects just seems to pile themselves higher and higher. Oh who am i kidding. I'm such a lazy bugger who spent her school hours not in class, spent her time at home either sleeping/reading books/ watching tv and even though there's enough time to study, she'll take it as if she needed a break from studying even tho she's been doing nothing.
A procrastinator will always be one no matter how much time is given to the person to change.
Fark changes. Did i mention I hate them?
&the beauty.
I'm squinting at the screen, trying to make out the words that i'm typing and this is all because my freaking left eye is fucking swollen. Ohkay, firstly I dont know what had trigger it amd its kinda freaking me out coz my eye is so slitty, which makes me look more like a chinesy if there's such a word.
The three of them tricked me in the morning. I was calling every one of them asking where they are and they all gave me different locations and yet they were actually together the whole time, just taking me for a damn ride. bugger. Momybitch is really da momy. Me and nad were vying for her attention by complaining to her how sick we were and showing examples of how childish we are. Nad IS an irritating fucker. She tried to arouse me by massaging my head which didnt work [it did feels good tho] and she has been disturbing me most of the time. I guess to make up for lost time since we didnt met for a looong time. We ended up playing snap at mac canteen and our screams deafen the ears of people around us. And nad managed to crunched my fingers while liza laughed at our idiotic antics. You have to be there to appreciate the fineness of the game. I so love them. Oh what a day.
Like I said to Nad, tmr's a brand new day. Packed with cutesy butches, adrenalin pumping, money rolling, pom-pom cheering, shopping till we drop. Looking forward to it.
I missed her like bloody bloody hell. Squinting at her pic in my fone. how dopey can i get.
Oh please god. Please dont let this swollen eye be swollen anymore.
&the beauty.
Its definitely a rollercoaster ride.
At one moment you feel soOo much in love that your heart will just burst and yet at the next moment, the hatred and sadness that you feel could even make the most unfeeling person weep.
Its such a vicious cycle.
Sometimes I wonder why are we together.
And sometimes I thank god for sending you to me.
Sometimes I wished you would just go away from me.
And sometimes I feel like I couldnt get enough of you.
And yet I'll always love and care for you. That is constant.
&the beauty.
I cant help but feel abandoned sometimes. In front of your friends, I feel as though I dont seem to matter much. I know you care for me and that you love me. But when we're in front of your friends, its as though you're a different person. You would ask me to accompany you for awhile and when your friends came by along, you'll just breeze away without a backward glance. Or a kiss. Or a hug. Oh I'm just bitter.
It can be damn frustrating sometimes. Knowing that you've made mistakes and even when you tried to atone for your goddamn sins, it's just aint working. I know you dont trust me anymore and yet here I am trying to make up for it. Then came your hurtful words, crashing me and I fall. I tried to get back up again and there goes another blow of hurtful words and my heart got crushed again. And I feel as though I'm smothering, that I cant breathe. The current is sweeping me underwater and when I finally came up to the surface to gasp for air, something pull me down again.
I almost gave up. But when I think of all those sweet memories and how much I love you, I just cant afford to lose you again.
"I break tradition, sometimes my tries, are outside the lines.We've been conditioned to not make mistakes but i cant live that way."
&the beauty.
Oh god. I'm incorrigible. I'm an arse. I dont learn from my lessons. I dont learn from my failures. I'm an absolutely freaking lazy bum from the limited strands of my hair to the toes of my smelly feet.
Yesterday's entry was all about bucking up in school. And yet I'm late for the first lecture of today and the next lecture, instead of being in the lecture, i'm at the comp lamb, i mean lab. See how hunger deprives my brain of constructional words. Oh how I long for the sugary kaya toast, or the noodle set 1 that sends my tongue into spasm, or even for the mac's hashbrown dip with chili sauce. Fark, the keyboards wet. With my saliva. Gotta go and chomp chomp.
Oh god. When will I ever learn?
Never.
&the beauty.
This is the 3rd week of school. And no, i'm not paying attention. And no, I didnt attend classes. And no, i didnt pay pepsi cola thingy in class.
Well you know what, I think from tomoro onwards, I should make an effort to at least try to buck up. At this rate I'm going, I am SO not gonna be the director of nursing. "What?! Shaf=director?" That's goes on in your head rite. Well, a girl has to have ambition so even though it seems impossible, hey, you might never know.
I better go and start arranging my notes.
"Ohmygod, Shaf got notes??!"
&the beauty.
My family misses me. I sure know they do. My dad looks positively glad to see me when I came back home early. My mom keep asking me to go out with her. And my baby bro wants to hold my hand every step of the way when we go out together. He even tried feeding me popcorn chicken which wrongly aimed could damn well be stuck in my nose. Only my other brother looked forlorn when I choose to stay home instead of going out. The reason was he wanted to use the comp in my room. 3 out of 4 misses me so that aint bad rite. HOw frigging sweet.
I must admit, i'm so not a good gf. I have this thing that when my gf ask me to do something, I will do just the opposite. Kinda like wanting to test her patience or just doesnt want to give in to her. Sometimes I get a kick out of making her so pissed at me, but my mental state cant afford to be fighting with her all the time. The fights, arguements, vulgarities taking a toll on me. I've read a novel about how a young woman of olden days was so egoistic, stubborn and took the people around her for granted, even her husband. And yet when she finally realises that she really do love her husband, she lost him because of her frigging attitude. That's fuckin sad. Well, I vowed never to be that kind of woman. So I guess I better start changing my attitude. Bugger.
"And I am flawed.
But I am cleaning up so well.
I am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself."
&the beauty.
Insecurities are gnawing at my insides. Like a rat.
Someone who had a big impact on her life came back after months of disappearing. I know that she still miss that someone and all that but part of me selfishly wished that the someone wouldnt look for her again. And yet she did. This is all confusing. I guess I'm just scared that things might changed.
And boy, do i hate changes.
&the beauty.
Its only the second week of school and yet I've broken every single rule that I made for myself. And nadiah even said that I sidetracked her. Oh how people wronged me. I mean, how can I deny myself the pleasure of eating tender chicken at angmokio tenderbest stall. And you know right, I got a thang for chicken. By comparison, lectures are pale, wilted cabbage standing next to juicy fried chicken. At this rate, I'm doomed.
Oh fark, what the heck am i talking about?
I wished that I could buy things for myself. I wished that I dont have to feel any responsibility and that I can just splurge money on myself and that I dont have to clear debts, pay bills etc. Its hard walking pass shopping boutiques, looking at all those glitzy shoes, coloured accessories , tops, flaring skirts and not buying a piece for your poor self. Even though the money is in your bank, sitting like a dead duck, waiting to be distributed among creditors. Its hard knowing that your jeans are so freaking worn out that you could even use it as a rag to wipe e floor. Hah. Exaggerator. But still, I do feel underdress compared to people. And this lack of confidence just makes matter worse.
But.. no matter how I wished I had more material stuffs, I'm somewhat contented with the things that are here with me. Money not everything and they cant buy love, happiness, experiences etc. And for that, I ought to be grateful for having abundance of love and happiness in my life.
Thank you God.
&the beauty.
Its been eons. Since I last spend time with my family. Real quality time. I kinda miss them. Its either I'm out working/going out/schooling or sleeping at home. Just now was just so sweet. The whole family was at the living room watching tv, just plain laughing and crapping and fighting.
And when I looked at their faces, I knew I could never replace them with anything else.
&the beauty.
Holding her hands makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside. Seeing her cry hurts me damn bad. Watching her fall asleep makes me want to freeze the time and just spend it watching her. Her having different kind of facial expression when studying amuse me all the time. The late night talking on the phone makes me miss her even more. The eating adventure just makes me oh so much fatter. The intimacy totally blow my mind away.
Our love, our sorrows, our anger became an experience I would never forget. Lessons that were learnt.
Knowing her was something I came upon by chance. Being her friend was something unexpected. The thought of being with her never came across my mind and yet now, i cant live without her.
Happy anniversary darl. Again. *grinz*
&the beauty.
I'm pampered. Sometimes.
I got a new phone from my aunt and the reason was because she doesnt know how to use it. Arent I lucky. And also she sponsored my converse shoes. A sudden liking for converse, dont even ask me why.
Socantwaittogettoschool.
Have to keep reminding myself that this semester is very important.
Have to get more organized. Seriously.
Do NOT skip lectures/come late or even forget about classes.
Always pay attention in class.
Do NOT play pepsi-cola thingy in class.
Do NOT doodle/sleep/listen mp3/gossip/sms in class.
Do NOT let anyone sidetrack you, especially if the person is call NAdiah.
Oh god, bless me. I so need help.
&the beauty.
Its barely the beginning of the brand new year and I had already made a grave mistake and break people's trust in me. Again.
Last night, countdown was eventful in a BAd bad way. I was with the wrong people. My biatches weren't there. And she wasnt there either. Me and her had a fight at first about countdown because I wanted to go countdown and she didnt want and in the end, she trusted me enough to let me go off on my own to meet my cousin. I appreciate it so much coz I know it was hard for her to do so and yet I could still break the trust.
Its kinda amusing to see my biatches celebrating countdown differently this year when actually last year, we were all together. This time around, Liza was with rosli and his frens. While Nad working barmaid at Taka. As for me, I ended up getting chummy with a bunch of people that I dont know. All I wanted to go was to boogey and yet we were at the office drinking like crazy. My cup was refilled every single time I finished it and we were countdown-ing shouting like drunk people in the office. Wait, we WERE drunk. I ended up taking lots of pictures, posing with the guys, the girls, drums, pretending to strum the guitar, pretending to be the lead singer. My antics were hilariously in drunken stupor. And it sucks. The drama that unfolds later when I get home sucks even more. Oh fark, i need my sugar rush. Gotta go.
Socantwaittogoschool.
&the beauty.
