you're a mystery yourself
i wanna move out. Into a home with her.
We're gonna rent a house. I want the walls to be painted lime green. We'll have a portrait of us hanging on the wall. There's lots of huge beanbags strewn all over floor in the living room. A simple sofa will do. We'll just sit back and cuddle up with each other while watching the tv, whatever show that you want honey, which is most probably FBI files or Oprah. i'll get any snacks or drinks that you want. And dont forget, cigarette's ashes are meant to be in the ashtray and not on the carpet. When we're tired and ready to doze off, we'll sleep in our king size bed. My side of the bed will have lots of pillow, around 5 while your side will be bare. And yet, in the middle of night, we'll just clung to each other. And no hubby, i do not snore, its just the fan whirring noisily. The next morning, i'll probably wake up earlier than you. i'll cook breakfast for you dear and yes i know, milo for you. I'll wash the clothes and you clean up the house, before we go off to work. Dont forget we're suppose to meet Nad and remy every sunday, so that all of us can troop to sheng shiong and buy our groceries. Its much easier that way since Nad have a car and can send us home. i've told you so many times that your bike wouldnt fit us.
I can even prance around the house naked and nobody would know. Except for you of course. *wink*
its just a dream. But i would so love for it to be true.
&the beauty.
Be very scared. Of the uncertainty. The hesitancy. The pause. The future.
Every single time I fought with my mom, the past will surely be brought up. The most pressing problem will be me being the way i am. That L word. What she doesnt understand is that I know whats right and wrong, just that I choose to be doing the wrong things. And i just can't deal with it. My gf, her happiness, means a lot to me. Not just my family. And i know you guys might be thinkin that running away wont solve the problem, yeah i think so too but sometimes you just have no choice.
But i'm scared that if i were to drop everything and just leave, what if it backfires on me? what if no one will be there for me? what if i have nothing? what if she doesnt want to brave all odds with me? and the "what ifs" keep continuing.
The hesitancy in your voice says it all.
&the beauty.
I dont wanna know
if you're playing me
Keep it on the low
Cause my heart cant take it anymore
And if you're creeping
Please dont let it show..
&the beauty.
I hate it how you keep on lying and lying to me. And how i keep on finding out. Shits after shits happened and i wonder when will we ever get anything right. It was a big blow for me to see you sitting beside her and an even bigger blow when you didnt run after me offering any explanation or excuses. I could even accept a lame reasoning but there was nothing at all. I had to dash into the toilet cubicle just so that no one will see the tears. I felt betrayed that you felt more concern for her than my well being. Am i that invisible that you could literally brush me off? Do i need to do something drastic just to get your attention? Must i revert to be attitudinal and flirtatious for you to realise that i'm there?
And there you are again, uttering those words that you seem to be repeating nowadays. But to me, your words are just empty and hollow, without meaning. The most ironic thing is that i still want to believe in those words, that maybe this time around, you really mean it. There's just too many, "this time around."
And yet the love will always be there.
&the beauty.
i could barely rouse myself up just to go work. i couldnt sleep yesterday night due to my mind thinking that there's creepy crawlies in my bed. i wouldnt be suprised if there is. today's work was oh so boring, luckily yina was there. So we took long hours eating lunch, after that we even leisurely took our time going window shopping at OG, then at centrepoint. We managed to stay on for one more hour of work then we're off. Being the kind hearted soul that I am, i accompanied her to shop for her stuff while we indulged in double choc chip muffin, old chang kee's snacks, bubble tea and such.
it was one helluva, "Ohmygod. this is so nice." "This looks good on you, you should get it.", "This is so farking cheap. argh." Or yina's favourite phrase, "Buy la."
hubby, i nak shopping. =D
&the beauty.
The last train.
Let me tell you people that within 5 minutes of waiting for that last train, you will get to see all kinds of people. Especially if you're at the orchard mrt.
I was standing there alone when a bunch of mats and minahs, mostly underage, walked past me. They were loud, made a scene, danced to imaginary music, vulgarities all around and one of the minahs even stand beside me, talking incoherently and seems to keep sliding onto the floor. And that's when it hits me, she's drunk. oh, what a bunch of poseurs. I was kinda disgusted especially when i eavesdropped on them and found out that she's only erm, 15.
Next came the long, brightly coloured hair punks with jackets full of metallic chains, and oh yeah not to mention ultra ripped jeans, the girls with dark eyeliners and black lipstick thingy. They were standing right in front of me and they stank. Of.. of.. body odour. As though they didnt had time to bath. And i shranked back against the wall.
Then came, a few average joes, couples holding hands, and even my juniors from secondary school, and yeah a few big sized guys with shaved heads, boots and wearing sweaters. I was trying hard to arrange my face into a smiley, friendly pathetic face so that nobody could find fault with me. Among the throng of people, i am so alone.
but still, it was refreshing to see so many people, oh so different people waiting patiently for the train. Except for me. I was cursing that damn train for taking its own sweet bloody time.
&the beauty.
i hate insecurities. they changed me to a whole new person. They made me feel psychotic, wanting to do something drastic towards the person who caused me such grievance. I hate you too, for lying to me till i myself not sure what is the truth and what are the lies. I hate you for making me feel insecured, like i'm not worthy to be with you. I hate you for making me feel like your stable back up plan. The plan that you run to at the last resort. I tried to be there when you needed me, i tried to offer help when you needed it and yet it wasnt enough. You messaged everyone except for me. You called everyone except for me. Think for yourself, who was the first person you run to when you're happy, or sad or angry? i doubt it was me. This whole thing has really changed me to be someone bitter. I'm not even allowed to talk this out with you, that's why i'm venting it all here. I know no one's perfect, that people made mistakes. that they ought to be given second chances. I really do know that but sometimes, it hurts so bad.
Sometimes i wished you would just reassure me, that i am the only one that you love, that you still need me, that i bring sunshine into your life. But nothing came out from your mouth.
Like they say, time heals all wounds. Maybe in 5 years to come, i'll look back and laugh at how psychotic i am. As for now, let me be the way i am.
&the beauty.
too much has been going on till i cant keep track of it.
too many things have been done, too many words have been said.
too many lies have been exposed, too many shits have been uncovered.
too many tears have been cried, too many heated words were exchanged.
and yet, we're still here.
&the beauty.
I seem to be blowing off work just for the sake of plain laziness and boredom. Blowing off from work seems to be my newfound hobby. My new trend is to come late for work, take as many long hours break as i can and den take off from work 5 hours in advance and yet i will still be paid like normal. Arsholic rite.
i was like a little kid again yesterday, trying to supress my giggles. i was waiting for her to finish work and after she threw the rubbish, i begged her to push me in her trolley. And she did. I could hear the whoosh of the wind. I was laughing like one maniac, i cant stop giggling and laughing. And mind you, it was in the middle of orchard road. So there i was whizzing on the trolley, thru the throngs of people and people were staring at me and her. You could probably hear my laughter from miles away.
So if you saw something like a big grown up girl, laughing like a whiny hyena, on a little teeny weeny trolley being pushed by a skinny muscular good looking girl, passing you by. Well, thats us.
&the beauty.
Looking back on when we first met
i cannot escape and i cannot forget
Baby you're the one,
you still turn me on
you can make me whole again.
&the beauty.
it was a damn farnie moment in the milkroom. To cheer myself and of course distract me from all the problems in the world, me and nad had a role play and no, its not that kinky thingy or sex related. hah. the story goes like this,
in 20 years to come, we fantasized that nad will be the nurse manager and i will be the nurse clinician. we will be the sisters of the ward and it will be great. In our office, we planned to have a tiny fridge to keep our drinks and such. We will have multiple piercings and blonde hair yet no one dare to stop us since we are damn good in our work. Students will be crowding around us and they could smell our cigarrette smells. Well, we'll just keep on popping mentos into our mouth. We'll pick on anybody who we dont like. Hah. And we can go for long hours of break anytime we want. Unless of course we have a meeting with the Director of Nursing, yan yan. We'll even ask Brother Afiq to join us for ciggie time under the void deck. Just imagine sisters and brother smoking under the void deck or carpark for that matter. it just cracks us up every single time. Night duty, we will take out the bourbon bottle and pour us drinks and talk crap in the middle of night. And then we will think back and reflect on our student days.
bullshit. we are so unrealistic. but it was fun anyway, right nad?
&the beauty.
i heard he sand a lullaby
i heard he sang it from his heart
when i found out, i thought i would die
because that lullaby was mine.
i heard he sealed it with a kiss
he gentle kissed her cherry lips
i found that so hard to believe
because his kiss belonged to me.
i hear her face was white as rain
soft as a rose that blooms in may
he keeps her picture in a frame
and when he sleeps he calls her name
i wonder if she makes him smile
the way he used to smile at me
i hope she doesnt make him laugh
because his laughter belonged to me.
how could an angel break my heart.
&the beauty.
sometimes things dont go your way. and even when you trip and fall on your face, you have to learn to put a brave front and pick yourself up again. no matter how much it hurts.no matter how much you feel like breaking down and cry in a corner. no matter how many times you tried to convince yourself that its gonna be okay. no matter how much you want her to pick you up and brush the tears and pain away, but no, you have to do this by yourself. You owe it to yourself to make it feel better.
and yet i have zero confidence in myself to be okay.
scarred.
&the beauty.
i was an oj-ian for the day yesterday. i was out of my house so early in the morning just to accompany her do opening. in e end, i got more than i bargained for. i didnt went for work and i helped her all morning. it was, erm, different. haha. i made a lot of blunders which can just crack me up now when i think about it. and i managed to even made drinks for the people. we were like shouting to each other in the shop like as if its our own. not to mention the games that we played with the cups and ice. and the tasting of all drinks. And remy commented that i should just work with dee, like a wife-husband tag team. Its SO not gonna happen. hah.
baby, lets do it again.
&the beauty.
ooh. i'm so sad. that my job working hours are far less than i thought. which means that i'm not gonna get that much pay which destroys those dreams i had when i got my pay. geddit?
either way, i'm screwed.
hey you. find me a new job please.
&the beauty.
its barely 9pm and here i am, all drained out. today's family bonding session was horrendously noisy, stuffy, kecho-rable and yet fun at the same time. with all those karaoke sessions, pigging out on steamboat, ice cream and whatever that you can find in the kitchen. Not to mention the dozens of bubble tea that were bought to satisfy our insatiable desires. i took refuge in the toilet and took a long cold bath just to avoid the monotonous voice of my uncle who's trying his best to mesmerise the audience, the noise of the little kids bitching about me complaining about how i "hurt their feelings" by not letting them play on my comp, and the high pitched laughter of my aunts as they indulge in gossip. I could hardly walk around the house without someone accidentally stepping on my toe or a ball rebounded on my head or an aunt asking me to help them. But in actual truth, it was great seeing them and again i marvelled at how we have all grown up.
as for now, i'm so dead beat that i might just take a long fweaking nap.
and oh yeah, my ass hurts.
*dear dear, i nak kawin ngan u. den kiter kena ambik wedding video kay. muacks.*
&the beauty.
where are you and i'm so sorry
i cannot sleep, i cannot dream tonight
i need somebody and always
this sick strange darkness comes creeping on so haunting everytime
And as i stared, i counted the webs from all the spiders
catching things and eating their insides
Like indecision to call you
And hear your voice of treason
Will you come home and stop this pain tonight,
stop this pain tonight.
i miss you.
&the beauty.
biology paper just irritates the hell out of me. Having to study for the paper again kinda bores me and no matter how much i tried to convince myself to start studying for it, i will always procrastinate. When will i ever learn?
i guess not.
&the beauty.
i'm just so angry. so so angry that i'm practically venting out my anger at anything that come into contact with me. i'm just so frustrated and i cant calm myself down. i hate it when obstacles after obstacles come crashing in front of me, blocking my fucking goals. and i hate it when things go oh so wrong and i cant do anything about it, without compromising my dignity and pride.
i'm just a big fucking liar to you.
&the beauty.
yay. two weeks of imh gone, 6 weeks of attachment more to go. Bugger me.
things are gonna get busy from next week onwards, with the starting of my new job and attachment at kk and such. At least i prefer being busy rather den being alone with nothing to do, and like i said the money helps too. So people, please tell me in advance if you do wish to meet me. Please do.
I finally managed to get some stuffs that i wanted and so here's a new shopping list.
- levi's faded denim jeans
- green jacket at samuel and kevin
- and yeah, a wallet to keep in my brand new ic.
till then, see ya.
&the beauty.
yesterday was moments of happiness. And it lasted till the next morning and i wished that it wouldnt have to end. I even slept with a smile on my face yesterday night. But it all get spoiled when i realised that tomorrow i will not be in singapore for the whole day, which totally sucks.
i'm gonna miss her. and her. and them.
&the beauty.
This is most ridiculous. and embarassing. Not to mention hilarious.
Someone named Vinod added me on msn two days ago and when he started talking to me, i thought he was harassing me. Needless to say, I didnt know he would be my boss in my upcoming job. The conversation when on like this.
He: "Hey dear, can you organise a meeting with the other gurls to meet me tomorrow?" [doesnt that sound lecherous]
Me: "Huh? Sorry i think you got the wrong person. "
He: "Didnt you go for the interview? I'm sure you know who i am."
I had wanted to say, stop harassing me you freak. But i had my doubts.
Me: "And what company are you from?"
He: "I'm representing john little...."
so my brain starts whirring and yup it finally registered in my brain that it is actually my superior. I confirmed it with naddy and yeah it cracked me up how i associate him with those bangladeshi workers.
lucky me, he saw the funny side and still want me for the job. *grinz*
lots of money, here i come.
&the beauty.
it was a sign of bimboticness plus selengeh bacin thingy.
E thing is i was supposed to check out the price of a sorta sling bag for dee so i asked the salesguy and he said, "two eighty". I was flabberghasted, thinking "ohmygod. for such a flimsy bag that will tear up if i so much as step on it, $280 its so expensive." And i could really believed that it really cost that much after looking at a bikini [which doesnt have much cloth] cost $150 so i conveyed the price to dee and she asked me to ask again. So i did. And this time around the salesguy said, "two dollars and eighty cents. $2.80" And there I was thinking differently.
Am i just deaf or has my common sense died on me?
&the beauty.
"You held my hand and walked me home, i know
Why you gave me that kiss, it was something like this, it made me go oh oh
You wiped my tears, got rid of all my fears, why do you have to go?
Guess it wasnt enought to take up some of my love"
-dont tell me
Another semester gone just like that. Again. And yeah this time around, i did better for my exams and i finally cleared my repeat module. Year 3 gonna be a blast. In a blink of an eye, it would all be over and i dont need to go school anymore. After that, it will just be work, work and more work. Which means more responsibilites and money. The latter more important of course being the money minded me. And so that being said, I cant wait to have my 2 weeks hols again so that i can work part time and earn enough cash to blow it off on me and my gf.
till then, i love you dear world.
&the beauty.
I dont wanna know if you're playing me
Keep it on the low
Cause my heart cant take it anymore
And if you're creeping
Please dont let it show
&the beauty.
