you're a mystery yourself
"rindunya aku saat ini
rindu padamu kasih
puasku cuba menghubungimu
namun kau diam membisu
apa salahnya diri ini
kau siksakan hidupku
pergimu tika ku memerlukan cebisan kasih dan sayang
aku inginkan cinta yang berkekalan"
even though i had to travel 2 goddamn bloody hours in the cold, freezing bus while the water which is leaking from the aircon drips onto my arm, i still think its all worth it. just spending time with him even though its not much, was fun, at least he makes me laugh so hard that i felt like spewing all the chicken through my nose. [if that was possible] and what makes him so adorable to me is the way he likes to do impulse things. Like just now, i was just walking and swinging my handbag from side to side while trying not to slip on the wet surface when he suddenly picks me up [fireman's style] and slung me over his shoulder. And there i was, butts in the air and laughin my head off. people did stare but i was having the time of my life so who cares right.
so abg blacksweet, can you please pretend that you're kidnapping me again? i promise i wont kick your face this time. =]
&the beauty.
i dont bloody know why i still keep in contact with her even though i know fully well that it hurts. every single time i msg her, the pang of jealousy and hurt will be there and i know that we are purposely spiting each other by always referring to our other halves. oh what a bunch of children. including myself of course.
but then..
you know how it feels when an insect bites you and you feel a twinge of pain and yet you can't seem to get enough of the pain so you let the insect bite you again. Just so that you become numb with the pain. That's the reason why.
"i wonder if you know
how they live in tokyo
if you see it
then you mean it
then you know you have to go
fast and furioousss .."
this song has been stuck in my head ever since the movie and i know i can just put a smile on his face just by singing this song in my best tokyo-accented voice.
&the beauty.
it seems like as if i am the only regular one among my friends to update my blog. which also means that i am the only one who have nothing much to do among my friends. which also means that i'm bored out of my mind. which also means that... okay stop it.
i need to find a mission. a cause. i NEED to do something. to feel passionate about something. nah. i'm too undisciplined to do that. i have zilch determination. i'm just plain rambling in case you guys didnt notice but my mind's too tired from sleeping to actually function correctly.
So now, i shall go sleep. love you world.
dxo this friday anyone? beep me.
&the beauty.
i feel heavy. i really do.
i used to be so busy with school and work that i have no time to eat, not enough sleep and i'm always on my feet to and fro that i could feel myself literally shedding off all those fats. And of course i used to live on green tea and fags only. those are the freaking reasons why i drop to 49kg.
and now, i'm jobless, i'm school-less, i dun even club much or go out much. my routine nowadays is to wake up bright and early and do housework chores, den go back to sleep till 5pm in the afternoon. or just laze on my mom's bed watching reruns of hindustan movies or soap operas while constantly munching on any tidbits i can get hold of.
its no wonder that i feel this way. i can feel all those fats slowly but surely sticking back into my butt, my cheeks, my tummy.
goddamnit. now i have to find a job again.
&the beauty.
okay. i'm officially a minah.
i've just gotten myself a pink ultra thin motorola hp. i look so ridiculously minah when talking on the phone. and they said that i already have the facial expressions of a minah which i'm not sure what. and i have a bf who is a mat, who just dyed his hair almost blond. So, all i need to complete my transformation is to dye my hair blond and shave off my eyebrow and draw it instead.
bah. someone please stop me.
&the beauty.
the eating at newton was great except for the part where liza repeated the menu like 4 times and the part where i got so confused thinking of how to split the money. haha. i love the photo taking sessions after eat out. how the three of us were arguing about how to pose and who to stand where and whether to smile or not while our other halves were openly laughing at us. we did managed to go to DXO after much fighting and talking. and it was great. the drinks were great. the ambience was great. but the company was the best. =]
we should do this every 25th.
&the beauty.
she loves someone else. she publicly announced that she loves that girl at friendster. and that was a few days back. And a few days back she was saying about how much she miss me, about how she thinks that we could still be together. haha. oh what bullshit. and yet i can't help but feel down. i called her up wanting to ask why she led me on, and we got into an argument. somehow, i just feel betrayed. but the thing is no matter how choked i felt, no matter how much i'm hurting, no matter how much i want to cry, i just shed only a single tear.
and thats when it hit me, i AM okay.
oh bloody hell.
&the beauty.
i'm still here in school waiting so goddamn slowly for the time to pass. i am dying of utter boredom. i'm supposed to meet my bf in 2 1/2 hours time and my best friend in 3 hours time. so i dont know how the hell i'm suppose to be in two places at one time.
napfa was .. cramping. now i have cramps all over my body. its worse than fucking. hehe. now that i'm a fuckaholic. wait, i've always been a fuckaholic. whoops.
she ignored me. so now i'm just a dot in her life. a passsing fading dot may i add.
and so i hate you.
hrc or dxo or devils anyone? beep me.
&the beauty.
its funny how we can click. its funny how we could make fun of each other, pretending to be hurt and burst out laughing at the same time. its funny how a few simple msgs turn into a few simple calls which in turn becomes few simple meets. its funny how i fell in love with you.
its funny how we could be where we are right now.
i miss my bitches so much. so so much. that i might just strangle them in an attempt to hug them. i would love to spend a night with you guys, just us, and just talk. or bitch. or boogey. or getting drunk. or all of the above.
DXO, here we come.
&the beauty.
i just love spending time with him. its amazing how you can just fall in and out of love easily. well, in this case, maybe, just maybe, the grass IS greener on the other side. But i wouldnt want to take my chances.
We spent the day just spending time together and we were really like kids. we bought chocs that we last ate since 10 years back and its funny how he was trying so hard to teach me to talk in hokkien and i got to admit, it was interesting, not to mention hilarious. he's even asking me to teach him to talk in mandarin. And its refreshing to have someone sending me back home almost all the time, i've almost forgotten how that used to feel. There are just so many differences in being with a guy or a girl. which i will elaborate some other day.
as for now, lilbitch, you better be grateful that i'm up till almost 1am printing 20 goddamn freaking long pages for you.
as for the rest, good night, i mean morning.
love you world.
&the beauty.
its erm, 9 plus pm on a saturday night so tell me again why the hell am i at home? my mom actually kind of worried that i'm not out on a saturday night. which usually means getting drunk and bogeying around. but i'm kind of glad to be at home and spend the day with my family especially my baby brother who seems to be getting quite attached to my hip. which means close to me if you dont get it. wait, why the hell am i explaining to you guys when i've changed my website address and i'm sure only a few knows. well, i'll just blog according to e way i want it, not the way i want people to see it.
i love him. i love him. i love him. i think i love him. its finally a him, and not a her anymore. i still think that its insulting to become straight after 4-5 years of being a lesbian but as long as i'm happy, it doesnt matter. something happened yesterday and it really struck a chord in my heart. he found out about what i did behind his back and he was so damn fierce with me. And when he demanded an explanation, i burst into laughter. i know it was rude but i couldnt wipe off the big grin on my face. i was actually happy that he seems possessive of me and i thought that maybe, just maybe, he is serious with me.
and yet i can't let go of her. memories just seem to get stuck in my head. i've tried so hard to erase everything but i cant. everywhere i go, every little thing i do i get reminded of her.
a conversation btwn me and him.
him: you still love her.
me: no i dont
him: i'm telling you, you still love her.
me: i dont bloody love her.
him: you cant forget bout her.
me: [stubbornly] yes i can.
and yet when i'm in his arms, i felt like weeping cause of her.
&the beauty.
i miss her and yet i miss him too. where's the rationale in that huh.
its taking me so much energy and time in trying to forget about her and yet when i'm with him, i dont think about her. Do you somehow understand what i'm trying to say? cause i dont.
i'm giving up on everything
because you messed me up
dont know how much you screwed it up
you never listen thats just too bad
because i'm moving on
I wont forget you were the one that was wrong
i know i need to step up and be strong
dont patronise me.
&the beauty.
i have been spending time at home more than usual and it kinda freaks me out. i might just become a hermit and become totally anti sociable. Saturday nights will end up being spent with my family playing bored, i meant board, games and the hang out place after school will be the 'pondok' where every makciks, pakciks, neneks etc will congregrate there to drink tea milk, biscuits and gossip their way throught about what's happening in the neighbourhood.
ergh. no way.
yesterday was national day and every single year, my relatives will come over my place since mine is the only place that we could see the fireworks damn clearly. and so they came, with their kids and their kids' kids. with extra food. bubble tea. snacks. and every goddamn year, they will get excited over the display of fireworks. and there i will be, sitting on the sofa, and looking damn amused at my surroundings. because every year, it has always been like that. the same people, same place, same fireworks. hah. well, that's my family.
hey you.
yeah you.
i miss you.
*your sexiness so appealing, i dont want to let it go."
&the beauty.
you made me smile.
you made me laugh when i was down.
you could just tickle me and i wouldn't stop laughing.
its been a long time since i felt dat happy.
so thank you.
miss you la.
&the beauty.
i am happy. i am glad. i thank god that things are finally looking up.
i've finally got my assessment and presentation done after much delay and here i am school-less, job-less, no activities, nothing at all. such amazement huh. i guess its a sign for me to stay home and just plain relax.
i should start cleaning up my room. Or try to get enough sleep.
or learn how to sew. =]
&the beauty.
the form is just on my table, all neatly written and all i have to do is just to sign it. But suddenly i felt so reluctant to sign it, knowing fully well that this is the only thing constant in my life. And i desperately need something to keep me occupied.
and so i pray to God, please let something good happen to me this time.
&the beauty.
i am stuck here in school. for another 3 more freaking hours. i'm bored to tears. i have absolutely nothing to do except just plain waiting.
that freakinoldbitch is such an asshole.
&the beauty.
i love you guys.
for being there for me, for sticking up for me, for loving me and accepting me the way i am no matter how shitty. muacks.
love, shaf.
&the beauty.
